James Swift

“What doesn’t kill you really does make you stronger.”

“With the moving vans all loaded up at 1600 Pennsylvania Avenue, how about we mark the end of an era by reflecting on some of the most insane, harebrained assassination plots ever conceived to off the O-man?”

“So yearnful are we for real social bonds that our new wave fantasies are the rudimentary pleasantries of 25 years ago – thanks to the shackles of the World Wide Web, legions of young people today view banal chit chats with waitresses and optometrists as unrealistic as ChatRoulette sessions with Darth Vader and Slender Man.”

“Have your ear plugging fingers ready, folks – it’s time to revisit some pure, unadulterated jingle bell suck…”

Lanza – an anorexic vegan who weighed 112 pounds at the time of his suicide – was so emaciated that signs of malnourishment-related brain damage were revealed during his autopsy.

Hitler was horrific, but Hirohito was even more horrendous – and here’s the proof.

…and you should, too.

The media just didn’t lose all credibility during the Trump-Clinton contest. They killed the journalism profession altogether.

There is a very, very important lesson to learn from Donald Trump’s victory – and unless liberal voters acknowledge it, 2020 is already a lost cause.

“Donald Trump has shown that rank-and-file voters cannot be taken for granted. The voter matters, and to ignore some of the legitimate concerns of voters, whether you are a Republican or a Democrat, I think that has tapped into a sentiment that will represent a fundamental shift in the future of politics.”

MAKE AMERICA DRY AGAIN? Pennsylvanian presidential candidate Jim Hedges seeks to instill some newfound progressive politics into the 2016 Prohibition Party platform.

A few chit-chats with criminal sociopaths that’ll definitely have you double-checking your locked doors tonight.

Today, I would like to pay tribute to ten of the most terrifying films ever made that, for all intents and purposes, weren’t explicitly designed to scare you senseless.

On more than one occasion, the Child’s Play films have been linked to heinous real-world events. Here are five of the most infamous incidents in which the sinister Good Guy doll has been implicated as an influence on rapes, murder and torture.

Why the other 11 months simply can’t compete.

“You don’t want to go to your grave not knowing what it’s like to make out with a girl wearing midnight black lipstick, do you? Aye, such would be a fate grimmer than death herself.”

The great residual effect of 9/11, if you aren’t old enough to vote or buy cigarettes at the moment? “Murica.” Yes, that’s what 9/11 means to today’s kids. Not terror. Not tragedy. Not the loss of safety. It means “that weird point in time before social media where everybody liked Chuck Norris.”

The epitome of 21st century counter-culturalism isn’t CBGB’s – rather, it’s hanging out at your nearest Chick-Fil-A.