Why I Am A Superhero

Someone just opened my front door, walked right in, took a look at me, said, “Ooops! Sorry,” and walked out.

Thank God Claudia wasn’t here to witness this and she should NEVER EVER find out.

DO NOT tell her.

It’s quite possible this gentleman was here to rob my house of all of our valuable possessions including, but not limited to, my Dr. McCoy doll and perhaps my original animation cel from the opening sequence of “I Dream of Jeannie”. On the black market (Ebay) items like these have been known to garner tens of dollars.

When I first met Claudia (on Ebay) I wrote to her that I was glad she was from Buenos Aires because I had never visited Brazil before.

She knew then that here would be an easy person to manipulate, scare, educate, and procrastinate with.

“Buenos Aires is in Argentina!” she replied. “And how come you don’t have a picture on your online profile.”

We got through these initial mishaps whereas most couples would’ve gotten divorced by then.

Meanwhile, Claudia has left me alone for the day. Today.

Which means I’m going to starve to death.

How can I avoid carbs and sugar if the only food we have in this house is cumin powder and ice cream?

Outside there are people walking around and I’m about 30 feet from a restaurant, a beautiful bed and breakfast that faces the Hudson River.

Three years ago Claudia and I stayed there one night in order to see if we liked the town.

Around two in the morning we woke up because we heard a little noise in the next room.

Specifically, it was a woman screaming, “STOP IT! YOU’RE MURDERING ME! STOP IT! STOP IT”

“Honey, wake up,” Claudia nudged me because if there was any murdering going on it was time for me to put on my Iron Man suit and make shit happen.

“Tired,” I murmured.

“AHHHH! STOP IT!” said the wall.

“Something’s happening,” she said.

So I got up. I put on my clothes. Then I shaved and brushed my teeth. Combed my hair to give myself a greaser look, and then poked my head outside.

Nothing.

I walked around the hallway.

The one policeman in town was coming up the outside stairs.

“You see anything funny here?” he said.

“Yeah, we watched Louis CK earlier in the evening doing standup on Youtube,” I didn’t say.

In any case, the couple in the room next door had packed their bags, driven away, and were never seen or heard from again.

I wonder now, all alone by myself in this house with random strangers walking in and out, if they still kiss each other and, when they do, if their tongues sometimes touch and they feel that magic tingle.

The next day we signed the rental contract to move into our new home right on the river.
Hold on. The doorbell is ringing.

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It was the UPS guy. There were eight packages. “There better be one for me in here,” I said.

“I don’t know,” he said.

“It better have food in it,” I warned him.

Maybe Claudia, in her genius, has UPS-shipped me some muffins made from coconut flour on her one day in the city away from me.

I signed something on what looked like a Blackberry from 1987 and then I left the packages there and continued this article of “A Day in the Life..”

Then my phone rang. It was my 11 year old.

“You are supposed to be meeting me at the tennis court right now,” she said, “and instead I’m here by myself with a bunch of pedophiles,” she didn’t say after that.

“Ugh, I’m sorry,” I said, “I totally forgot. I’m sorry. I’ll get right over there.”

I had to teach her how to serve.

THE MAIN LESSON she had to learn was that it’s easier to learn from mistakes than victories.

When you make a mistake you are much further from your potential. Easier to close the gap to greatness by analyzing mistakes.

“It’s a blessing when you make a mistake,” I told her.

“You have to not get frustrated when you make a mistake. Push through it and you will be better than anyone.”

She did push through it and finally started to get it when she kept figuring out what she was doing wrong.

As I was driving her home she asked me, “What is it again that you do all day?”

I make shit happen.