Why Wasn’t I Worth A Place In Your Life?

I woke up that morning and decided to go to the most isolated beach I can think of. I wanted to feel the waves lap at my feet, to feel the tiny little pieces of sand dig into my skin, to hear nothing but silence. I want the isolation to envelope me as I let the tears flow, wallowing in my own misery. I wanted to reminisce but also forget. I wanted to be alone. I wanted to heal a broken heart.

It was a nice, peaceful November day. The weather was pleasantly warm at 80 degrees with a slight breeze. Carelessly stretched out by the shore, staring at the waves that splash often enough to break the deafening silence. Not a single soul in sight. This is my little slice of heaven on Earth.

My moment of solitude was broken by a barrage of tourist that decided to check out the rarity of the beach I chose as my morning sanctuary. Families and couples descended from the cliff above to my beach below. Laughing, happy people surrounding me. For one minute I was jealous of their happiness. They were there to enjoy with the people they love. I was there to forget the person I lost.

I decided to leave. Enough pity party for one today. I got up, dusted off the sand from my swimsuit. I was packing my bag when you approached me. I didn’t even know you were there. Amidst the numerous families and couples that peppered the beach, I somehow did not notice you being by yourself. But you were. And you approached me to ask a silly question that I cannot even remember. I honestly forgot how I responded.

I already forgot about you when I scaled the rocks to leave the beach and return to civilization. Walking the almost 3 mile trek back to my car, listening to the wind howling in the distance. Watching the waves hit the rocks by the shore, carefully avoiding stepping on mud puddles. I was so deep into my own thought that I didn’t realize you were walking nearby, parallel in path but not too close for comfort.

A 3 mile hike under the hot sun with no shade can be grueling. We finally met at the fork in the road and decided to walk the way back to our respective cars together. During the hour and half hike through the dusty red sanded trail, we discovered how many things we have in common. Kindred spirits that met in the most random, made for movies kind of way. We connected.

That chance meeting turned into friendship. The more we discovered how many common interests we have, the more it seems apparent that we were destined to meet. When people talk about not meeting anyone by accident, it felt like they were talking about us. As cliché as it sounds, we were friends that have not met yet…until that day.

Despite living in different areas of the country, and never seeing each other again in person, we maintained the friendship via text communication. Daily random discussions about things we care about. The stranger I met on the beach became the friend that I didn’t know I needed. For months we stayed that way. Getting to know each other by text communication, sending each other little trinkets, celebrating life’s moments electronically. No further discussion of extending the relationship past being friends. No flirty messages. No lingering postulations of other possibilities. Neither one of us fell in love with each other. It was all purely platonic. I had no problem with that. I never wished for it to be anything more.

Then one day, out of the blue, you decided that our friendship is weird. You told me that we have to part ways. I have no idea why. You never gave me your reason. You simply let me go. No warning. No explanation.

You left my life in the same way that you came into it, without warning and all of a sudden. Like as if fate decided we should meet but destiny says you can’t stay.

For a while I was left confused and dumbfounded. I was questioning myself on what have I done? But a good friend advised me that sometimes there are questions that will be left unanswered.

So here I am, again sitting by the beach, waiting for an answer that I know will never come.