8 Thoughts I Had While Spending Friday Night Surfing OKCupid In The Dark

1. You’ve got to respect a guy who puts up a shirtless picture when he doesn’t have that good of a body. Like, hey there high self esteem. Props to your confidence. Be comfortable in your skin! Also, I’m not going to date you, because I am looking at your body thinking, “Yeah, not wanting to have sex with you.”

2. Why is your profile so long? You should take a digital marketing class to improve your online dating skills. People of the internet age– particularly millennials– have very short attention spans. Each time the reader needs to scroll, it becomes more likely that said reader will lose interest. I had an internship in digital marketing. I spearheaded email marketing campaigns with successful open rates. It’s on my resume.

3. Oh man, your message is so thoughtful that I feel obligated to write you back. But I’m not going to, because I do not want to date you. We haven’t met. I’m not dumping you. You probably don’t want me to tell you that, anyways.

4. Wow, this other message is clearly a stock message that you send to all the girls. I’m so flattered.

5. I wonder if my profile is as annoying as it seems. Am I an annoying person? I mean, sometimes, obviously. But, like, am I more annoying than average? Am I more annoying in this profile than I am in real life? Less?

6. All of my pictures are old. I should have more pictures of myself. Am I really enjoying my life if I fail to document it with selfies? Should I get an iPhone? I hate iPhones. I’m serious.

7. Oh man, that guy’s super good looking. I guess I’ll just check his profile a bunch of times so he knows I think he’s cute. But I won’t message him, because I’m ‘shy.’ I’m like online creeper flirting. Guys love it when you do nothing to initiate interaction and just cyber stalk them.

8. I’m not sure I even want a relationship.