28 Hilarious Tweets About Marriage That Might Be A Little Too Real
"When my wife asks me to do that one thing in the bedroom that she really likes, she's talking about vacuuming."
By 
Jacob Geers
1.
Txt from wife: where r u
Me:kitchen
Wife:can u feed cat
M: I mean garage
W:bring in laundry
M:bathroom
W:clean toilet
M: Idaho
W:get potatos— Grant Tanaka: Honky (@GrantTanaka) March 16, 2015
2.
When I awoke from the car accident in a full bodycast, my wife was right at my bedside to let me know that childbirth is still more painful.
— Kent Graham (@KentWGraham) May 24, 2015
3.
Relationship status: My wife asked me what I wanted for dinner and then told me I was wrong.
— James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) February 22, 2016
4.
ME: honey, it's really muggy out today
WIFE: if I go outside & all our mugs are on the front lawn, I'm leaving u
ME: *sips coffee from bowl*— Duke Max “Carnival Lawyer” Ash (@mynameisntdave) June 15, 2015
5.
My wife said I need to grow up. I was speechless.
It's hard to say anything when you have 45 gummy bears in your mouth
— Josh (@iwearaonesie) October 10, 2014
6.
When my wife falls asleep in a public place, I shake her a little and yell, "DON'T YOU DIE ON ME!" People always clap when she wakes up.
— Abe Yospe (@Cheeseboy22) August 18, 2015
7.
Before I got married I didn't even know there was a wrong way to put the milk back in the fridge
— Josh (@iwearaonesie) June 10, 2015
8.
I don't understand how God can have Ten Commandments for the whole world, and my wife can have 152 just for our house.
— Kent Graham (@KentWGraham) September 21, 2014
9.
Wife: It's like every man on earth has to share one brain
Me: [can't think of a good comeback because it's not my turn to use the brain]— Grant Tanaka: Honky (@GrantTanaka) March 6, 2016
10.
accountant: "youre basically broke"
wife: "he keeps spending money on stupid stuff"
me: "lets ask the dog if he thinks his jeans are stupid"— k e i t h 🐤🥔 (@KeetPotato) October 27, 2015
11.
If my wife ever hired a private detective to follow me, it would be to get pictures of me not using the coupons I said I used.
— Just Bill (@WilliamAder) May 7, 2016
12.
Marriage is just texting each other "Do we need anything from the grocery store?" a bunch of times until one of you dies.
— Daniel Carrillo (@DanielRCarrillo) July 15, 2015
13.
https://twitter.com/Mr_Kapowski/status/729828577563156480
14.
https://twitter.com/hippieswordfish/status/661347394156544000
15.
https://twitter.com/hippieswordfish/status/657248026734399489
16.
https://twitter.com/Underchilde/status/572450322054041600
17.
[sitting at a table]
Wife: writes number on paper and slides it across.
Me: crosses out and writes new number*thermostat negotiations*
— Simon Holland (@simoncholland) May 12, 2015
18.
When my wife pisses me off, I get on her Pinterest and pin lots of mediocre shit, like cupcakes that just look like cupcakes.
— The Dad (@thedad) March 24, 2013
19.
therapist: so why do you want to end your marriage?
wife: I hate the constant star wars puns
husband: divorce is strong with this one
— Andy H. (@AndyAsAdjective) May 18, 2015
20.
Marriage teaches you a lot about yourself. For instance, I've learned that I don't need to use so many paper towels, and they're expensive.
— Pete Lynch (@PJTLynch) March 25, 2013
21.
ME: There's no i in team but there is one in pizza
WIFE: so you’re not going to share
ME: I am not going to share— Kalvin (@KalvinMacleod) January 18, 2016
22.
[rolls over in bed and whispers to wife]
"I ate like 75 chicken nuggets today"— rob elliott (@rockymomax) February 16, 2016
23.
Me: Wait, so it's cool for you to use my phone charger but I can't touch yours?
Wife: Correct.
— Rock (@TheMichaelRock) January 28, 2016
24.
It's not a matter of IF it's our fault… OFC it's our fault
It's just a matter of what angle she's going to use to blame us
-married men
— Sparky (@crunchenhanced) March 16, 2016
25.
I've been married for about 45 lbs.
— Sparky (@crunchenhanced) March 25, 2014
26.
https://twitter.com/sammyrhodes/status/693563707616550912
27.
My wife didn't post an essay thanking our kids for making her a mom on Facebook and now child services is on the way.
— Simon Holland (@simoncholland) May 9, 2016
28.
When my wife asks me to do that one thing in the bedroom that she really likes, she's talking about vacuuming.
— Simon Holland (@simoncholland) October 26, 2015