28 Hilarious Tweets About Marriage That Might Be A Little Too Real

"When my wife asks me to do that one thing in the bedroom that she really likes, she's talking about vacuuming."

Updated 9 years ago, June 20, 2016

1.

Txt from wife: where r u
Me:kitchen
Wife:can u feed cat
M: I mean garage
W:bring in laundry
M:bathroom
W:clean toilet
M: Idaho
W:get potatos

— Grant Tanaka: Honky (@GrantTanaka) March 16, 2015

2.

When I awoke from the car accident in a full bodycast, my wife was right at my bedside to let me know that childbirth is still more painful.

— Kent Graham (@KentWGraham) May 24, 2015

3.

Relationship status: My wife asked me what I wanted for dinner and then told me I was wrong.

— James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) February 22, 2016

4.

ME: honey, it's really muggy out today
WIFE: if I go outside & all our mugs are on the front lawn, I'm leaving u
ME: *sips coffee from bowl*

— Duke Max “Carnival Lawyer” Ash (@mynameisntdave) June 15, 2015

5.

My wife said I need to grow up. I was speechless.

It's hard to say anything when you have 45 gummy bears in your mouth

— Josh (@iwearaonesie) October 10, 2014

6.

When my wife falls asleep in a public place, I shake her a little and yell, "DON'T YOU DIE ON ME!" People always clap when she wakes up.

— Abe Yospe (@Cheeseboy22) August 18, 2015

7.

Before I got married I didn't even know there was a wrong way to put the milk back in the fridge

— Josh (@iwearaonesie) June 10, 2015

8.

I don't understand how God can have Ten Commandments for the whole world, and my wife can have 152 just for our house.

— Kent Graham (@KentWGraham) September 21, 2014

9.

Wife: It's like every man on earth has to share one brain
Me: [can't think of a good comeback because it's not my turn to use the brain]

— Grant Tanaka: Honky (@GrantTanaka) March 6, 2016

10.

accountant: "youre basically broke"
wife: "he keeps spending money on stupid stuff"
me: "lets ask the dog if he thinks his jeans are stupid"

— k e i t h 🐤🥔 (@KeetPotato) October 27, 2015

11.

If my wife ever hired a private detective to follow me, it would be to get pictures of me not using the coupons I said I used.

— Just Bill (@WilliamAder) May 7, 2016

12.

Marriage is just texting each other "Do we need anything from the grocery store?" a bunch of times until one of you dies.

— Daniel Carrillo (@DanielRCarrillo) July 15, 2015

17.

[sitting at a table]

Wife: writes number on paper and slides it across.
Me: crosses out and writes new number

*thermostat negotiations*

— Simon Holland (@simoncholland) May 12, 2015

18.

When my wife pisses me off, I get on her Pinterest and pin lots of mediocre shit, like cupcakes that just look like cupcakes.

— The Dad (@thedad) March 24, 2013

19.

therapist: so why do you want to end your marriage?

wife: I hate the constant star wars puns

husband: divorce is strong with this one

— Andy H. (@AndyAsAdjective) May 18, 2015

20.

Marriage teaches you a lot about yourself. For instance, I've learned that I don't need to use so many paper towels, and they're expensive.

— Pete Lynch (@PJTLynch) March 25, 2013

21.

ME: There's no i in team but there is one in pizza
WIFE: so you’re not going to share
ME: I am not going to share

— Kalvin (@KalvinMacleod) January 18, 2016

22.

[rolls over in bed and whispers to wife]
"I ate like 75 chicken nuggets today"

— rob elliott (@rockymomax) February 16, 2016

23.

Me: Wait, so it's cool for you to use my phone charger but I can't touch yours?

Wife: Correct.

— Rock (@TheMichaelRock) January 28, 2016

24.

It's not a matter of IF it's our fault… OFC it's our fault

It's just a matter of what angle she's going to use to blame us

-married men

— Sparky (@crunchenhanced) March 16, 2016

25.

I've been married for about 45 lbs.

— Sparky (@crunchenhanced) March 25, 2014

26.

https://twitter.com/sammyrhodes/status/693563707616550912

27.

My wife didn't post an essay thanking our kids for making her a mom on Facebook and now child services is on the way.

— Simon Holland (@simoncholland) May 9, 2016

28.

When my wife asks me to do that one thing in the bedroom that she really likes, she's talking about vacuuming.

— Simon Holland (@simoncholland) October 26, 2015