My Very Real Relationship With Wine (And 8 Other Reasons Why I’m Still Single)

1. My very real relationship with wine

Seriously, 25% of my day is spent thinking about wine. Maybe that’s an exaggeration, but I love wine. All types too. Moscato, Pinot Grigio, Pinot Noir, boxed wine, Rose, etc etc. Forget going out to the bars or clubs, I’d much rather be curled up with my favorite book and a glass of wine, while wearing the baggiest sweatpants I can find. My love for wine should not be confused with alcoholism; au contrare, my love for wine transcends alcoholism. Watching trash reality television without it just wouldn’t be the same.

2. My love for solo sing alongs to Whitney Houston. In my car. Alone.

I feel no shame when it comes to belting songs out at the top of my lungs in my car. Alone. With the windows down. I might look like a lunatic that has escaped from the local asylum, but #yolo, you know(lo). I’m also extremely off-key at all times, which makes it all the better. Throw in a few dance moves behind the wheel that may or may not have caused a few “almost-accidents” and maybe I can understand why a man would not want to get involved with that type of crazy. So sue me for wanting to sing “How Will I Know” in the luxurious sweetness of my vehicle and on the open road. Give me my moment to shine and feel like the diva I am (not).

3. My love for body pillows surpasses that of any real human contact.

A body pillow won’t get mad when I push it off of me in the middle of the night so I can get the space to sprawl out that I need. A body pillow won’t grope me in the middle of the night when I’m in my blissful dreamland. A body pillow won’t snore at the exact moment I’m milliseconds away from falling asleep. A body pillow won’t sneakily crawl out of bed right after sex, put his clothes back on, and tiptoe out the apartment thinking I have no idea what’s going on. A body pillow will keep me warm on cold nights and won’t be offended when I push it off because I’m too hot. A body pillow will never leave me.

4. I’m in a polyamorous relationship.

Charlie (Hunnam), Armie (Hammer), Ian (Somerhalder), Liam (Hemsworth), Luke (Bryan), Alexander (Skarsgård), Paul (Rudd), Justin (Timberlake), George (Clooney), Jon (Hamm), Jason (Sudeikis), Jason (Segel), Danny (McBride), Zach (Galifianakis). These are the loves of my life. Fine, I’m not actually in a relationship with any of these men, but damn, a girl can dream right?

5. I’m a class-A asshole when I want to be.

Apparently, some people get really offended at insensitive jokes. Some people don’t like sarcastically dry humor. Some people don’t like having pranks pulled on them. Basically, these are the most boring people ever so I’d rather be single anyway, to be honest. Just because I can deadpan better than you doesn’t mean you have to hate on it. So I might be an asshole to the max. But I enjoy it endlessly.

6. I’m way more concerned about what’s going on in my favorite TV shows.

I care way too much about what’s going on in the lives of my favorite TV characters. Game of Thrones? I’ve been thanking every God ever that, y’know, they’re dead. House of Cards? Just started this show a couple days ago and I’m already on season 2 and I can’t get enough. Will he make it to the presidency? I need to know but really, please don’t tell me. I hate spoilers. Girls? I’m a few episodes behind but I’m always wondering what’s next for Jessa, Marnie, Shoshanna, and Hannah. Not to mention that Adam is not my type personality-wise, but I’m still absolutely in love with him. It’s Always Sunny in Philadelphia? Addiction at its finest. I love a million other shows, so you can see my dilemma here.

7. I dress like a member of a drug cartel who sells crack in very questionable alleys.

Like not actually, get real. But I do rather enjoy wearing yoga pants or leggings more days than not, have a penchant for big warm sweaters, and find it way easier to throw my hair up in a pony tail or messy bun than to go through the process of straightening it. (There are obviously days that I dress nicely but these are usually my least favorite days.)

8. I get the majority of my emotional support from my BFFF.

As Seth Rogen brilliantly put it in Pineapple Express, “Best Fuckin Friends Forever, man!” Who needs a boyfriend when you have a BFFF? It probably took years upon years to cultivate this beautiful friendship, she probably knows everything you never want anyone to know, and she’s most likely been there for you in the roughest of times. It’s hard to form a friendship like that, it takes a lot of hard work, dedication, and patience. Do I really need to restart that whole process with a boyfriend? Gawd, NO. If I was lucky enough to find a man who would want to form a strong friendship as well as a romantic relationship, then that’s great. But the majority of guys would not be compatible enough with me to form this type of bond. I need someone who’s not going to freak out when they find out I’m an actual human being who burps, farts, has bowel movements, bad habits, and won’t always look good. My BFFF never judges me for these things. Maybe she’s my real soulmate and boys are just happy sexual distractions. (And a real BFFF would get that reference.)

9. I’ve already had a wedding.

Check out my Pinterest account any time and you’ll find that I’ve meticulously planned my hypothetical, never-going-to-happen wedding — from the venue to the color scheme to my dress, it’s all there. I love weddings. And not because people are proclaiming their love by signing a piece of paper and spewing some romantic vows. Sure that’s heartwarming and all, but let’s get down to the real shit. An open bar is enough of a reason to go to a wedding. And if you’re anything like me, a professional DJ and a dance floor are the Holy Grails of a good time. Sure, I’d love to find a lifelong partner some day. But seriously, my wedding has already happened and it’s better than my real future wedding will actually be. Might as well just elope to Vegas, have a cheesy ass Elvis impersonator conduct my wedding, and wake up to the sounds of slot machines at this point, because nothing is going to compare to happily wedded Pinterest.