I Have To Remind Myself I Have Depression

Sometimes when my walls are crashing in, and I have no idea what I’m doing, or who I am, and the world is caving in, I have to remind myself I have depression.

I have to remind myself that this isn’t just a “sad mood”, and it isn’t just a “bad day”. I have to remind myself that I have clinically been diagnosed with something that can take over your life. I have to remember that although it isn’t me, that it is a part of me. It is a part of my brain, of my body. I have to remind myself that it isn’t exactly normal to feel completely hopeless, or worthless, but it’s a part of having depression. I have to remind myself that I have to keep coping, keep fighting and keep accepting.

On the days where everything seems to collapse at once, and my emotions feel completely overwhelming, and out of control, I have to remind myself that I have a mental illness. I have to remind myself that it isn’t just a lack of positivity or a negative attitude, but that is in an actual brain function or lack thereof. I have to remind myself that my depression is real. I have to remind myself that it isn’t just going to get better overnight, or with a hug, or with a sudden change in circumstance. I have to remind myself that it’s been a visitor in my life for as long as I can remember. I have to remind myself that it’s not a question if the walls will roll in, but when they will. I have to remind myself that a lot of it is in my genetics, and a lot of comes from trauma, and that it isn’t just a “today” thing.

I have to remind myself that it’s hard for people who don’t have depression to understand what it is. It’s hard for them to grasp the concept that it doesn’t have a single cause, and it doesn’t have a single solution. Depression just is. Depression just exists, whether you have a welcome mat for it or not. I have to remind myself that what others might see as lazy, or unmotivated, is an over-arching feeling of fear, and sadness for what the day might bring. I have to remind myself that depression doesn’t ask you how you’re doing, or schedule your days for you. Sometimes it shows up at your door on a Monday in the middle of the sunlight, or during a late Friday night hour. I have to remind myself that depression doesn’t care if you’re sick of it, or if you’re tired, it will be staying, and it will outlive that stay again, and again.

I have to remind myself that I have a mental illness. I don’t remind myself of that to make me feel inferior, or broken, but to be realistic. I remind myself of my depression because I have to understand the grief. I have to understand that it isn’t just an event that upset me or a person that “rubbed me the wrong way”, but that it’s my brain, and it’s my body. I have to remind myself that they’re trying.

I have to remind myself that I’m counteracting depression with beautiful playlists, and incredible people. I have to remind myself that I’m battling here, and even though I may be losing most times, I’m fighting. I have to remind myself that I am so strong. I have to remind myself that even being weak, is strong. I have to remind myself that I don’t have to be happy all of the time because I’m not going to be happy all of the time.

I have to remind myself I have depression.