Holly Riordan

“We were listening to a song for like the third time, when the sound goes off and a horrible voice says ‘get back from where you came from’, and the song continues where it left off.”

It proceeded to change size, shape, and color several more times right in front of me (doberman, bloodhound, tan mastiff, then finally a yellow lab) before running off into the dark.

Taurus: You shouldn’t get too upset about not getting a text back. The only reason your crush is taking forever to answer is because you took forever to answer them. It’s an eye for an eye situation.

Walk around in a thin shirt without a bra on, so he can see your nipples through the fabric.

You try to embarrass each other in public by slapping each other’s asses or by having fake arguments in front of strangers.

Even if your partner swears that they’re fine, you know when they’re pissed off at you by the way that they’re fidgeting and by the fake smile they’re wearing.

Sit on his lap when you’re out in public together. He’ll want you, but he won’t be able to have you, which will make him extra hard.

You need someone who values serious relationships over casual flings. Someone who would jump at the chance to date you. Someone who understands all you’re worth and would never dream of letting you get away.

Date someone who understands you can get a little loud when you’re drunk, but finds it more adorable than embarrassing.

By the way you talk about boys, everyone assumes that you’re an experienced lady with a ridiculously high “number.” But in reality, you can’t even remember the last time you kissed a boy, let alone slept with one.

I want you to do a double-take when I show up at your door, and then let your eyes linger on my cleavage or my legs to silently show that you’re interested.

My best friend killed herself the day before her date, not wanting fate to control her life. The bullet didn’t hit the spot she wanted and it took her hours to bleed out. One day blended into the next and by the time her cheeks went cold, the date on her death certificate was the same as the date on her arm. But now it was my turn. My turn to either have the best, the worst, or the last day of my life.

Don’t be afraid to get rough. Quickies aren’t the time to look lovingly into each other’s eyes. They’re the time to throw each other up against walls and yank on each other’s hair. They’re the time to scratch and bite and thrash.

Date someone who casually mentions what kind of cake or music they want at your wedding, because they know marriage is in your future.

Have you ever done something stupid, but justified it by coming up with some bullshit logic that made you feel better about yourself? Well, that’s what we did when we broke your heart. We twisted reality to make it seem like ghosting you or breaking up with you via text was our best option.

No matter how big of a catch you are, you’re still going to get screwed over. Unfortunately, modern-day dating makes even the most beautiful women feel like complete shit.

Steal his phone and set an alarm that says “fuck me.” As soon as it goes off, he’ll get on top of you.

Tyler Oakley: You need someone adventurous. Someone who’s willing to jump out of an airplane with you. Someone who’s willing to get drunk off their ass with you. Someone who’s open to anything, because they’ll do whatever it takes to have fun and enjoy life.