Holly Riordan

Don’t give a fuck if you’re broke. Everyone your age is broke. The friends you see posting pictures of their travels to Asia and Italy are probably still living off of mommy and daddy’s money.

It’s hard to judge myself through mirrors and photographs. I wish I could take a step back and see myself from someone else’s point of view.

Pisces: Like Marshall, you’re the smartest person in your friend group, but nobody realizes it, because you’re too busy singing silly songs and making puns about fish.

Date someone who will remind you of how beautiful you are, even when you feel bloated AF.

Record yourselves having sex on a device you own. That way, you’ll feel like a porn star on set for a shoot, but you can delete all the evidence as soon as you orgasm.

Make sure she’s completely at ease, because that’s the only way she won’t feel any pain. I don’t care if you have to give her a back massage or whisper sweet nothings into her ear. Do whatever you can to relax her muscles.

After his parents died, because his father had decided to drive six whiskeys deep, he claimed every unexplained creak and groan was a sign. But back when I worked at Toys R Us, everyone had thought the place was haunted, too. There would be stories wherever you went.

I can’t say I regret anything, from my broken bones to my asshole exes, because every little choice led me straight to you.

Deleting pictures from fun nights out with your friends, because you think you look disgusting in them.

Whenever your mouth needs a rest, stick to using your hands and take the time to talk dirty to him. Tell him how much you love feeling his cock harden in your mouth and how you can’t wait to swallow his cum.

Maybe the male body alone doesn’t do the trick for you. Maybe his voice would turn you on more. Maybe his scent would turn you on more. That’s why you should ask him to whisper dirty things in your ear or spritz on that cologne you love.

You climb under the covers so you can cuddle with them, even if you’re boiling hot and don’t understand why the hell they need to wear three blankets at once.

I didn’t create some fantasy world where we texted all day and flirted all night. We actually did text. We actually did flirt. And you actually did care–or, at least, you acted like you did. So don’t call me a psycho for thinking you wanted to be with me. You gave me every reason to think that.

Take a relaxing bath. You don’t need romantic music and a glass of red wine, as long as you have a bath bomb. The pretty colors swirling over your skin will make you feel beautiful, even when your period is trying to make you feel like crap.

“It quickly escalates to Mr. Krabs tormenting Plankton to the point where he never leaves the Chum Bucket, has nightmares, and eventually attempts suicide. I am not exaggerating at all.”

“He asked me questions about my physical appearance and then started asking me creepy things like if I had pubic hair or wore a bra.”

I asked him how close he was to orgasming, but he was so entranced by my warm pussy and my bouncing tits that moaning was the only answer he could give me.

Date someone who holds your hand throughout the entire movie, but squeezes just a little bit tighter whenever there’s a kissing scene or a romantic carpet ride.