Holly Riordan

Could you use your car manual to spank him? Could you use your ice scraper to tickle him? Might as well find out.

Isn’t the dream to find someone that hates the same things as you? Someone who will join in when you make fun of the people you can’t fucking stand?

I was going to send you nudes last night, but then I realized I didn’t have your number.

Take a picture of your dildo and caption it, “I’ll be thinking of you the entire time.”

Once you were selected, your brain matter would be drained from your skull, and the empty shell of your body would be burned, the ashes repurposed as diamonds. But your mind would live on in the computer—at least until you turned 90 and they deleted you to make room for more data—so they didn’t consider it murder.

On your birthday, you shouldn’t be surprised when the dog’s name is written at the bottom of your card.

Libra: The men you’re interested in never have any idea that you like them. You just haven’t made your feelings obvious enough.

I can read your mind, and yes, I’ll go out with you.

Outline her lips with your fingers. Caress her cheeks with your palm.

He doesn’t care if you’re wet enough, as long as he’s hard enough. That’s why, sometimes, sex is actually painful for you.

Did you smile when you saw my name pop up on your phone just now?

“She had mandatory cuddle time with each of the kids. They would lay on the couch, and she would spoon them, in the quiet, for about 30 minutes each.”

“Standing in my living room, looking out the window, and I see a nuclear bomb go off near the horizon.”

I didn’t wear any underwear, so if you’ve ever wanted to have sex in public, today is the day.

Taurus: You have patience, which is why you’ll enjoy a long, intricate novel like 11/22/63 by the great Stephen King.

Why would I mistake every stranger for you, even if that stranger is twice your height and twice your age? It’s because you’re there, swimming around in my subconscious.

Tell her, in detail, all the ways you’re going to return the favor after you orgasm. When she hears you talking about licking her pussy, she’ll be even more enthusiastic about sucking your cock.

If I murdered someone, would you help me cover up the crime?