I Have Been Disappointed By Boys One Too Many Times

I’m tired of being disappointed by boys who I thought had potential. Boys who texted me nonstop, flirted with me on the regular, and made me feel like a relationship was on the horizon.

I’m tired of swearing off of dating, promising that I’m not going to get my hopes up again because it always ends the same — and then having some boy walk into my life who feels different. Who seems like he isn’t going to screw me over like the rest of them.

I’m tired of telling myself that it’s okay to have feelings, convincing myself that this person won’t hurt me like the last person did — and then being proven wrong. Having all of my expectations crushed and my fears come true.

I’m tired of falling for the same heartless souls wearing different skin.

I’m tired of the time wasting obsession that comes with wanting someone. I don’t want to glare at my phone, annoyed that I haven’t gotten a text yet. I don’t want to scroll through his social media and feel my heart sink when I see something I don’t like. I don’t want to deal with having strong feelings for someone else when I’m only going to get hurt in the end.

I’m tired of expecting more from a boy than he is willing to give me.

I don’t want to keep looking like an idiot by gushing about someone new to my friends and admitting how I think it’s the real deal this time, and then have to go back a week later and tell them that it just didn’t work out. That I was wrong about him, just like I was wrong about the guy before that and the one before that.

I’m tired of being heartbroken. Of overanalyzing every little thing a boy says and does, repeating it in my mind until I lose it. Did I text too much? Too little? Act too forward? Too timid? I’m tired of being tricked into thinking I’m the problem.

Most of all, I’m tired of giving a fuck.

I’m tired of getting dressed up in the hopes of impressing someone specific. I’m tired of waiting for names on phones and likes on pictures.

I’m tired of caring.

I don’t want to get upset when he ignores my messages and watches my snap without bothering to reply back. I don’t want to get upset about his shit taste in women.

I want the rejection to roll off of my back. I want to be able to say it’s his loss, I don’t need him, I’m better off without him. I want to be happy alone.

Because, honestly, I’m tired of looking for someone to call my person.

I’m tired of almost relationships that end before they become official. I’m tired of first dates that never lead to a second and flirtatious texts that never add up to anything real.

I’m tired of letting myself get my hopes up so high that disappointment becomes a possibility again.

Holly Riordan is the author of Lifeless Souls, available here.