This Might Make Me A Bitch, But I Don’t Actually Want You To Be Happy

I wish I could look at you the way I look at all of my other exes. When I see that they’re doing well without me, I’m happy for them. I actually hope that they’re engaged. I hope that their life didn’t crumble to pieces after I left. I hope that they’ve lost feelings for me — or that they hate my fucking guts — so that they can be happy with somebody else. Somebody better.

But when it comes to you, I don’t feel that way. I don’t hope for your happiness. I don’t smile when I see that you’re doing well without me.

I care about you more than I ever cared about the other boys from my past — and that’s why a dark part of me kind of wants you to be miserable.

I want you to stay up late, wondering what the hell happened between us. Wondering if we’re ever going to cross paths again. Wondering what I’m doing now and if I ever miss you, too.

I want you to have doubts about your relationship. I want you to question whether you love your girlfriend as much as you used to love me. I want you to secretly wish that you were in bed with me instead.

I want you to cry your eyes out over me. I want you to consider me the girl who got away. I want you to hate yourself for losing me.

But mostly, I just want you to think about me as much as I think about you.

I know my line of thinking is fucked up. Unhealthy. Irrational.

I don’t want to feel this way. I don’t want to be so stuck on you that I can’t see straight. I don’t want to be a total bitch, especially not to you, not to someone who deserves as much happiness as this world will allow.

I wish I could flip through your social media without my stomach sinking deep into my gut. I wish I could be happy that you have a new girlfriend instead of comparing her to me, wondering what you see in her, guessing how much longer you’ll last before you break up with her.

I wish I could be happy for you and your new relationship instead of holding onto all of this jealousy. Instead of feeling like you’re betraying me, even though we’re not together and you don’t owe me anything anymore.

But I don’t want you to be with someone else. I only want you to be with me.

I hate that things ended between us. I hate that your name crosses my mind every night and you probably haven’t thought about me in months. I hate knowing that you’re doing fine — probably better than ever — now that I’m out of your life.

I really wish I could be the bigger person and say that I’m happy that you’re happy. But honestly, I only want you to be happy with me. 

Holly Riordan is the author of Lifeless Souls, available here.