You’re A Mistake That I’m Going To Make

You’re not the kind of person that belongs in my life. You’re unreliable, unpredictable, and undeserving of a heart like mine.

I know that I should listen to the advice that everyone keeps giving me and delete your number from my phone, unfollow you from all your social media, and forget that you ever existed in the first place.

But I’m stubborn and I’m obsessive and I’m crazy about you, so I know I’m not going to do the smart thing. I’m going to do the thing that feels right for me, even though deep down I know it’s wrong.

I’m not an idiot. I don’t expect you to become my future husband, my happily ever after. I know you’re going to break me apart. I know you’re going to destroy me slowly.

This is how it’s going to happen: I’m going to text you, telling myself that it’s no big deal, that it’s just a friendly conversation. But one conversation will turn into two and then that will turn into hanging out with you and hugging you for two seconds too long.

Pretty soon, I’ll be telling you things I swore I would keep a secret and sitting a little too close and waiting for you to break the sexual tension by kissing my lips.

In the moment, I’ll be happier than I’ve been in years. I’ll be thankful that I gave you a shot, that I ignored what everyone else told me to do and listened to my heart over my head.

But then I’ll get home and think about what it all means and realize it means nothing to you and everything to me. That you don’t want a relationship and we are never going to be together in the way I want us to.

My brain will torture me with truths –that you don’t actually care about me at all, that you only used me for the night, that you aren’t ready for a serious relationship and even if you were, you wouldn’t want one with me — until I regret everything. Until all of my friends say I told you so.

Hopefully tomorrow, I’ll be able to think clearer. Hopefully tomorrow, I’ll have the strength to hold myself back from talking to you. I’ll regain my dignity and realize that there are so many other people I could be thinking about instead of you.

But right now, in this moment, I don’t care about how much pain you could bring me in the future. I don’t care if you destroy me. All I care about is right now. And right now, I want to hear your voice again. I want to see your face again.

I understand that talking to you would be a mistake. Flirting with you would be a mistake. Letting you into my heart would be a mistake.

But they’re mistakes I want to make.