50 Ways Dating Has To Change If I’m Going To Keep My Sanity

1. Don’t look at your phone when we’re out, unless you’re planning on pulling up a cute picture of your dog for me to see.

2. Stop judging me solely by the way I look in my dating profile pictures. Actually read my bio, because I’m more than a body.

3. Come up with an original way to say hello to me (maybe by reading that bio of mine) instead of copying and pasting the same greeting to every girl you match with.

4. While we’re at it, don’t just message me “hey” and expect me to carry the conversation. I don’t know what to say, either.

5. Don’t act like it’s my duty to sleep with you, just because I accepted your offer to buy me a beer.

6. Don’t call me an ungrateful bitch, because I turned down your offer to buy me a beer.

7. Stop texting me big blocks of text. Actually call me if you have a lot you have to say to me.

8. Read over your texts before you send them. I don’t want to have to reread your sentences several times to figure out what the hell you’re trying to tell me.

9. Don’t kiss me, and then drop off the face of the planet without telling me why you’re no longer interested.

10. Don’t assume I’m some lonely wretch, just because I’m a single woman. Maybe I don’t want a boyfriend right now.

11. Stop cyber stalking me before we meet. I understand that you want to check to make sure that I’m not a serial killer, but I’d rather tell you about my hobbies than have you find out through Facebook.

12. Never ever flirt with me if you already have a girlfriend. I don’t care if you’re on a break or not.

13. Actually walk me to my front step instead of texting me to ask if I got home unscathed.

14. Make plans with me ahead of time. No more texting me after nine P.M. to see if I want to get Taco Bell and then fuck you in the back of your car.

15. Take me somewhere original instead of bringing me to dinner at Chili’s and a B-movie.

16. Don’t let me see you drunk more often than I see you sober.

17. Don’t go MIA for months, and then expect me to answer your messages once you decide to act interested in me again.

18. Stop pressuring me to do anal and have a threesome. If I tell you that I don’t want to do it, then don’t ask me to do it.

19. Give relationships a label. I need to know if I’m allowed to fuck other people or if I should be telling my parents about you.

20. Don’t flirt with other girls in front of me. In fact, if you really like me, don’t flirt with other girls at all.

21. Ask me what I want to put on Netflix instead of throwing on some shitty rom-com you assume I’m going to like, because I’m a girl.

22. When you break up with me, do it in person. Or at least write out a lengthy message telling me why you broke up with me, so I’m not stuck questioning everything.

23. After you break up with me, leave me the hell alone. Don’t assume you can call me up when you’re feeling lonely and come over for meaningless sex. You can’t.

24. Don’t give me backhanded compliments. If you think I’m pretty, just tell me I’m pretty.

25. Stop assuming I’m sleeping with you, just to make you happy. I want to orgasm, too.

26. Don’t get annoyed when I steal your fries. You knew it was going to happen.

27. Don’t beg me for nudes before we even meet face-to-face.

28. The term “hanging out” should only be used amongst friends. If you want to go out with me, then “date” should come out of your mouth when we’re making plans.

29. Tell me if you’re looking for a relationship or if you’re only looking for a fling, so I know what I’m getting myself into.

30. Don’t cancel plans with me at the last minute. It’s just rude.

31. Stop using up all of your time trying to take “perfect” pictures that you can upload to dating sites. Show me what you really look like.

32. Wear something nice when we go out on a date. I’m going to spend hours dressing up, so you should at least be putting in a little effort.

33. Keep yourself clean down there. If you expect me to shave, then you better do it, too.

34. Don’t cheat on me. Just don’t.

35. If I ask you to wear a condom, wear a condom. I don’t want an STD or an unexpected baby.

36. Text me as soon as you read my message and think of a response. Don’t wait hours to reply, just to seem like you have a life.

37. Stop saying what you think I want you to say instead of speaking your mind and being yourself.

38. Bring me flowers and chocolates on a first date. Or at least open up your car door for me. It never hurts to be a gentleman.

39. Don’t freak out when you realize that I’m making more money than you.

40. Stop calling me crazy or asking me if I’m PMSing when I show the slightest bit of emotion.

41. Instead of completely closing yourself off, tell me what I did to piss you off, so I can fix it.

42. Don’t call me a prude, because I want to wait a few months to sleep with you.

43. Don’t call me a slut, because I was so turned on by you that I slept with you on the first date.

44. Tell me if you have an STD, so I don’t end up unexpectedly catching something from you and hating you forever.

45. Let me split the check with you if I make the offer. The man doesn’t always have to pay, you know.

46. If you’re serious about me, tell your parents about me. Set up a dinner for all of us, so I don’t have to beg you to introduce us.

47. Don’t have the same conversations with me whenever we speak. Come up with something new to say so I don’t get bored.

48. Don’t text me first, wait for me to answer, and then ignore me for the rest of the night. It makes zero sense.

49. Stop making me guess how you feel. Just tell me.

50. Don’t give up on our relationship after one little argument. If you put in effort to make it work, I promise I’ll do the same.