10. Not okay

I was over at her dorm room and, after we got done with our business, I spotted a bottle of my Cologne on her desk. I asked her about it, and she said she sprayed it around to make her room “smell like me.”

Ok.

Next week. She gets into my car. Makes a big SNNNNIIIIFFFFFF sound, and says, “Oh, mmm, smells like YOU in here.” She started masturbating. No shit. Enroute to Kroger.

Ok.

Few weeks later, at her dorm room, I decide to get a little nosy. I find the following: 1-Aforementioned bottle of cologne. 2-Two pairs of my dirty undies (not left by me.) 3-pair of my dirty socks (again, not left by me. And this freaked me out more than anything for some reason.) 4-Envelope with, what I can only assume to be (drumroll…..) my pubes in it.

Not ok.

I break up with her over ICQ (the good ol’ days!) She informs me that she left a bag at my apartment. It’s under my bed. In said bag is a bunch of completely random shit with K-mart tags still on it. It was obviously a plant, meant to force us to have an awkward post-breakup makeup reunion. Nay, says I.

Got my army buddy to drive me over to her dorm in his ford festiva. I saw her on the curb, waiting…crying. I launched that bag out the window and we took off as fast as that festiva would go. Never did see if the bag hit her but, given it’s trajectory, it’s highly likely.

For those who will want to know: The cologne I was wearing was Old Spice.

11. This is really funny

“I want your meat tampon.”

Had to explain to her how that was not a turn on.

12. Say what now?

Her: “Just so you know, I wrote your name on my leg with a boxcutter so I’ll always have you near me.”

Me: ಠ_ಠ