I’m at my car pumping gas, minding my own business, when an SUV pulls up right next to me, music so loud the whole car sounds like it’s going to explode. I slide my credit card in and like as soon as I do this is what I hear:

Man that girl swallow nut like an elephant / Stupid nigga, probably thought yo bitch was celibate / Like a dentist with a drill, I be digging in they mouth / First they swallow all my children then I kick them bitches out

REALLY? This is the amazingly poignant song you’ve chosen to blast for all of us to hear? I’m surprised this guy is actually listening to a song about how women swallow semen and then he “kicks them bitches out.” Well this DEFINITELY sounds like someone I can’t wait to open my vagina to, lol.

So, uh, a public service announcement to men everywhere: please don’t cum in my mouth unless I tell you to.

There’s nothing I hate more than when a guy comes in my fucking mouth after I have specifically asked him not to cum in my mouth. Like, seriously right now? I always find it so polite when a guy asks me nicely, “Where do you want it” or “Where do you want me to shoot?” See, then I’m in control and I get to tell you where I want it.

It’s not that I don’t like cum or that I’ve never swallowed before. I know that cum can be sweet. I dated one guy who had the best tasting cum. I also know that cum can taste like absolutely nothing, and I know the stuff can be positively FOUL if your dude is eating all the wrong things, like freaking raw eggs and salty bleach. Bleh.

Anyone who has sucked a dick has been here before: you’re doing the deed on your guy, everything’s going nice and smooth. When he gets close he usually says something like, “Baby, I’m getting close” or “I’m gonna go.” Typically, they give you warnings, except for all those times they say zilch, shooting without any notice.

So there you are: sucking away. Slurp, slurp, slurp! You know he’s close but you’re trying to avoid getting the cum in your mouth but still trying to seem interested and committed to the blow job. Suddenly your mouth fills up with semen — fuck! — and the absolute worst is when they hold your head down while they orgasm.

I know that sometimes people get lost in the moment. You get so wrapped up in how great everything feels that you forget to say something.

Or do you? I’ve sucked enough dicks to know that sometimes a guy will shoot in your mouth even if you don’t want him to because he thinks it’s no big deal. I’ve had guys tell me that you’re down there, you might as well swallow. And I’ve heard that a swallow-less blow job is an “incomplete” blow job. And I’ve had still other guys tell me that if I’m worried about catching an STD and I’m already down on the dick, might as well just swallow because I’m exposed to the elements anyway.

Fair enough. But all this is totally selfish. Why? Because you’re thinking about your own pleasure, to hell with your sexual partner’s desires and wishes. You see, you know the sex is bad when it’s just about you. Good sex should be about BOTH of you.