Why I’d Rather Spend A Night By Myself Than With Anyone Else

6:33 pm: Leave work in a harried mess to make a 7pm drinks. Uber surge. Lyft surge. Gett – can’t deal. Why did I cut this so close? Why do I do this to myself!?

6:39 pm: Finally hail unsexy yellow cab and dramatically throw myself into it unnecessarily.

6:41 pm: Send a casual text – “On my way xx” – conveying that I haven’t forgotten about this plan, totally budgeted my time correctly, and definitely have my shit together.

6:41 ½ pm:  See typing bubble, then it disappears, see typing bubble again, then it disappears.

6:42 pm: Phone rings and my friend feels terrible and has to cancel last minute because of something I honestly forgot because WAIT.

DID. I. JUST. GET. THE. NIGHT. TO MYSELF!?

6:45 pm: Redirect the cab to my studio apartment and sprawl my stuff out everywhere because this is PURE JOY. I explain to the cabbie *acting therapist* that this is a momentous occasion because I get to go home to my apartment and be completely alone. He is confused. I smile deliriously.

7 pm: Cab driver drops me off and is definitely worried about my mental state. But I don’t care. You must understand. I am going home to my solo-apartment on a weeknight.

7:02 pm: Enter esteemed 7L. Audibly greet my place and all of its contents because when you live alone, you can talk to inanimate objects.

7:07 pm: Take indulgently long, hot shower. Sing. Shave. LIVE.

7:30 pm: Put on my pink tie dye monogrammed terry cloth robe (you know the one…), wrap my hair in a towel hat, and complete the look with those L.L. Bean furry moccasins that feel like clouds. This is the best night ever and I’m fucking killing it.

7:35 pm: Wait, I’m hungry now. Do I remember how to cook anything?

7:42 pm: After much thought, make eggs and frozen turkey meatballs from Trader Joes.

7:50 pm: Sit on my carpet in robe ensemble and eat “home cooked meal.” Light candles. Burn incense. THIS IS AMAZING!!!!

8:15 pm: Put in a load of laundry because now I’m just getting cocky.

8:30 pm: Start watching the first episode of Westworld because I guess this is a good time to check that off my to-do list.

9:26 pm: Pause Westworld to change out laundry. Also jesus, this show is so long. Who has time to watch this!?

9:50 pm: Westworld ends. Whoa. Cool. I ponder reality, existence, fate and free will for about three minutes.

9:53 pm: Decide that this show is realistically too long and I won’t watch the next one.

10:20 pm: Go get clothes and sheets out of dryer.

10:40 pm: Get ready for bed, do a quick scroll through social media. Thank the scheduling gods for bestowing this beautiful, completely non-noteworthy evening upon me without warning because it makes me appreciate it that much more.

11 pm: Say goodnight to my apartment (I really do do this…is that weird) and promise myself to make more plans to not make plans.