Harris O'Malley

How do you thread the needle when it feels like every gift is practically soaked in unspoken messages about commitment, intent and expectations?

‏It’s been an interesting week for talking about masculinity.

When I wrote about the Hollaback Project’s street harassment video, the comments section was deluged with men insisting that they’d love to be harassed like that. I was willing to disregard these complaints – after all, most men who talk about how…

‏How well do you know your partner? Oh sure, you’re reasonably sure that she’s not secretly a Deep One or an intelligent tapeworm wearing that body like a flesh-suit… but how well do you sync on the make-or-break issues?

While on public transportation.

Only sleep with people you could be friends with.

Being sexual and pursuing a sexual relationship — whether it be a one night stand, a casual hook-up, short-term dating or a long, committed relationship — doesn’t preclude being polite and respectful of others and encouraging a sex-positive outlook.

Culturally (western culture in particular), we’re brought up to think of sex as something that’s supposed to be private and intimate, strictly between two people — preferably with a strong emotional connection. In practice… well, not so much.

Accepting that you have these desires doesn’t make you sinful or wrong; it empowers you. And by empowering yourself, you’re better able to address those desires, even the dark, disturbing ones, in ways that are safe, sane, and consensual.

We already have the majority of culture catering to our interests as men; it seems only natural to assume that everything is about us. But it’s that “man”-centric view that causes so many dating issues.

As is frequently the case with male victims of rape, male victims of domestic abuse are often told it’s “not that bad” or that they “must be ok with it”; after all, they could always defend themselves against the “little lady,” right?

Enthusiastic consent isn’t about a call and response for every step of the way; it’s not “May I touch you here? May I kiss you now? May I undo your bra?” It’s about dirty talk; grabbing your lover by the back of the head and growling “I want you now.”

How many times have you said “Of course… I’m a guy?” to a question without thinking about it? Or made a statement about how all guys are X or all women are Y? Right there, you’re falling into gendered stereotypes about men and women without realizing it.

Cry harlot! and let slip the blogs of war.

Yet every time, every time, we hear about a man beating a woman, there is inevitably a chorus that chimes in with some variation of “well, maybe she deserved it.”

Sex, you see, is about more than how many tricks and secret techniques you’ve learned. It’s not just about being able to give the Transylvanian Twist or the Swirly-Go-Round.

You want to know the main reason why sex seems so damned difficult to come by unless you’re one of the blessed few who seem to have an intrinsic grasp of social dynamics?

You need a certain level of self-awareness if you want to avoid the mistakes you’ve made before and not inflict more unnecessary pain and hardship on yourself or on the people you want to date. So it’s important to recognize that there are times when we shouldn’t be dating… at least for a little while.