Harris O'Malley

How do you thread the needle when it feels like every gift is practically soaked in unspoken messages about commitment, intent and expectations?

‏It’s been an interesting week for talking about masculinity.

When I wrote about the Hollaback Project’s street harassment video, the comments section was deluged with men insisting that they’d love to be harassed like that. I was willing to disregard these complaints – after all, most men who talk about how…

‏How well do you know your partner? Oh sure, you’re reasonably sure that she’s not secretly a Deep One or an intelligent tapeworm wearing that body like a flesh-suit… but how well do you sync on the make-or-break issues?

While on public transportation.

Only sleep with people you could be friends with.

Being sexual and pursuing a sexual relationship — whether it be a one night stand, a casual hook-up, short-term dating or a long, committed relationship — doesn’t preclude being polite and respectful of others and encouraging a sex-positive outlook.

Culturally (western culture in particular), we’re brought up to think of sex as something that’s supposed to be private and intimate, strictly between two people — preferably with a strong emotional connection. In practice… well, not so much.

Accepting that you have these desires doesn’t make you sinful or wrong; it empowers you. And by empowering yourself, you’re better able to address those desires, even the dark, disturbing ones, in ways that are safe, sane, and consensual.

We already have the majority of culture catering to our interests as men; it seems only natural to assume that everything is about us. But it’s that “man”-centric view that causes so many dating issues.

As is frequently the case with male victims of rape, male victims of domestic abuse are often told it’s “not that bad” or that they “must be ok with it”; after all, they could always defend themselves against the “little lady,” right?

Enthusiastic consent isn’t about a call and response for every step of the way; it’s not “May I touch you here? May I kiss you now? May I undo your bra?” It’s about dirty talk; grabbing your lover by the back of the head and growling “I want you now.”