“It all started last Christmas,” Speaker John Boehner fired away as he spoke to his fellow Republicans, otherwise known as the only people who seemed to care about his recent lawsuit against the president. “Obama sent me a really nice gift that had some of my favorite beauty products in it. I graciously accepted it, thinking that it was so nice of the president to give me a gift this year, especially one that he knew I’d like. I know that we haven’t always seen eye-to-eye on things, especially on this whole Obamacare issue, but it seemed as if he was finally stepping down from his high-horse as the president of the United States.”

Boehner then took a moment to gather himself and began to explain the strange color of his skin. “Tan-Your-Man, one of the products in my goody bag from Obama, has stained my face a permanent shade of tangerine. I spray tan on the regular, but this is something else. I look like a walking commercial for Tang. Obama is a real piece of work.” Boehner then went on a two hour tangent about how the “Founding Fathers would have never let this stand.” He also declared that, “It is under every American’s constitutional rights, which were divinely written by the hands of Thomas Jefferson, that tanning products should not be tampered with in any way by the president of the United States. It exceeds his executive authority and it is cruel and mean.”

Boehner vowed that he “will certainly teach Obama a lesson” and that he “plans to take this case all the way to the Supreme Court if [he] has to.” Boehner expressed to a sea of perfectly combed politician hair, “I am a politician, and like all politicians in Washington, I have always abided by every law ever made. I have done nothing to deserve this kind of treatment.” Boehner, a seemingly inconsolable mess, repeated over and over again, “I am ruined forever… Damn you, Obama… Damn, you. I’ll get you if it’s the last thing I do.” He then cried for thirty minutes, allowing ample time for photo-ops.