The Craziest Things Guys Have Ever Said To Me

One of my biggest turn-ons is a man who makes me laugh. This is equally effective when done intentionally:

1. “I’m Johnny’s One Inch Wonder! Then when I’m hard, I’m Johnny Five Alive!”
2. “Would you like to see my big African dick?”
3. “I’ve been going to the gym a lot lately, and my dick is getting bigger. I think I’m getting too big for you.”

……or unintentionally:

1. “It takes a man three months to build up semen, and you took it all in three hours!”
2. “I don’t care if you’re in North Carolina! If you can’t get to Pennsylvania in 30 minutes then I don’t EVER want to see you again you got that?”
3. “I could have been President if it weren’t for you!”

……whether it’s at his expense:

1. “I’m almost 12 inches long! It’s hard to keep the blood flow going!”
2. “I have hypoglycemia! I have not eaten! Do you want me to DIE to satisfy your FUCKING PUSSY?”
3. “I used to have an air mattress but I owed my roommate 20 bucks so he took it. I’m sure this blanket is thick enough.”
4. “You took Plan B? I was kinda hoping you’d get pregnant. I came enough to have twins!”
5. (Catholic guy) “I’ve only had sex once and I made her wear a Redskins jersey so our skin wouldn’t touch.”
6. “I’m completely straight. I only want a man in my ass when I’m in a woman.”
7. “I barely jack off once a week anymore. What if some alien race is watching me thinking why is that asshole depleting his vital energy? It’s like trillions of potential lives are being wasted just so I can have an orgasm.”
8. Him: “I got paid $200 to screw a BBW in a Dodge Neon. It was the universe providing for me in a time of need.
   Me: “Whose need, yours or hers?”
   Him: “Both. She was in physical need, I was in financial.”

….…or mine:

1. “Go out with you? No. You talk too much. If a woman’s talking some mad shit and I tell her to shut the fuck up and she does I will marry her.”
2. Guy 1: “Look at her ass; it’s like two big flabby ol’ Jello shooters.”
   Guy 2: “Let’s smack those cheeks and watch them fight each other.”
3. “I talked to Teresa today, and she knows what happened. Gwendolyn, I am now following the guidelines as specified in the Student Handbook for Sexual Harassment. It requires me to send a written notice to you that if your behavior does not cease and desist immediately, I will have to file a formal complaint of harassment under Mecklen University Guidelines and Policies § 400, § 503, Part D. Subsections A and C. That means, one iota of an utterance on your part regarding our sexual history will incriminate you on the grounds of sexual harassment. If nobody else knows, the matter is resolved. I hope that was made perfectly clear.”
4. “I only fucked you because it was your birthday.”

Yeah, of course I want a stable boyfriend. But unfortunately the craziest people also make the best conversationalists. Not to mention the best conversations. So here’s the deal:

If your job gives you coffee and Halliburton stock, get out.

If you take your lithium and use factory tested condoms on a regular basis, get out.

If you’re even half-straight and let me stay with you two nights in a row without accusing me of date rape then get out.

If you’ve never banged a pregnant chick in a rusted-out 1986 Pontiac Fiero as parts of it exploded into dust in a Walmart parking lot, get out.

If you’ve never shown up outside a girl’s apartment at 2:30 AM in a Renaissance costume while blind drunk, manic, and trying to move in with a truce of dandelions you dug up outside with a spoon then get the fuck out, you got that? I like my boys unhinged, unprotected, unemployed, and not even slightly respectful. Go big or go home.