The Three Golden Rules Of Blow Jobs

I’m the kinda girl who only gives blow jobs to guys I’m really serious about. There’s been a stray unimportant wiener here or there, but for the most part blow jobs = obsessed with you/ your penis. They’re a labor of love, and I won’t get anything out of it unless turning you on turns me on — no need to toss out freebies to people I don’t care about pleasing. Besides, I always get a bit of a sore throat afterward and I do kiss my mother with this thing. So yeah, blow jobs are pretty intimate — more so than, if not equal to, sex. (Yeah, I said it.)

Because I put emotional stock into blow jobs, I spend a lot of time thinking about them — chiefly, blow job etiquette. You might be shaking your head right now and saying, “Grace, there is no right and wrong when it comes to slobbing knobs!” But I disagree. I think there are three general courtesies we should grant one another when it comes to giving — and receiving — blow jobs.

Golden Rule No. 1: No spitting.

Before I ever gave head, I was terrified of swallowing cum. I blame my friends, who acted all shocked and appalled when their boyfriend’s splooge didn’t taste like a peach schnapps wine spritzer (in other news, never take sex advice from 15 year olds).

But when my first boyfriend finally took a load off (in my mouth), spitting was not an option. Logistically, it didn’t make sense, and besides — I’d just spent 20 minutes with my mouth wrapped around his dick. Why bow out during the home stretch? For one thing, cum doesn’t taste that bad (and if it does, there may be a problem). Also, there are some pretty sweet health benefits (did you know semen is an anti-depressant?) And lastly, if dude cums in your mouth and you take the time and the mouth muscles to spit it out, you’re still going to taste it in all its salty glory. Spitting is not the solution. It totally kills that post-cum heady space you should both be in, it’s possibly a little insulting, and it’s just not in the spirit of giving that informs most blow jobs. It’s wack.

I don’t mean to say that you should do something you’re uncomfortable with, but if you don’t want to swallow there are other places for it to go. Your chest, maybe. Or your neck — who doesn’t like a nice pearl necklace? I personally like swallowing because it turns me on — but again, it’s likely that I deeply care about the person I’m giving head to. I recognize my “Only Gives Blow Jobs to People She Loves” privilege here, and maybe swallowing isn’t for everyone. But spitting should be for no one — unless that turns you both on, to which I say: weird, but do you.

Golden Rule No. 2: If it came out of your body, you shouldn’t be grossed out by it.

This one’s for the dudes who, after cumming, will very sweetly request that their snake charmer go brush their teeth before coming up for a celebratory post-blow job kiss. This is totally fine if you’re an asshole, but if you’re an otherwise good dude getting a blow job from someone you were fine with kissing pre-blow job, you need to suck it up and taste your own kids. Kissing someone who just gave you head is only as gross (or less gross) than giving you head. It’s just a little cum, get over it. (And if you’re like most guys I know, you’ve probably tried your own before. Don’t act like you guys don’t do this.)

Golden Rule No. 3: Don’t ask to receive if you’re not prepared to give.

I’m not saying you have to give, or that you have to be prepared to give — but if you ask (or beg, or plead) for a blow job, best assume you’ll be expected to return the favor. This isn’t a science, and sometimes the original giver (OG) doesn’t necessarily want you to return the favor — but you should be mentally, physically, and emotionally ready to repay this all-important debt. Treat others as you want to be treated — that’s the official golden rule. 

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