To The One I Could Have Loved

I am trying to figure it out. My mind became a battlefield the moment you left and went away without even bothering to say any single word. So I was left clueless, I was there left guessing.

I almost loved you. I am almost getting there— getting the feeling of those butterflies in my stomach, getting the feeling of the warmth that I have longed for years. I almost feel that finally my search is over and at last, love found me.

I found myself staying late at night just to talk to you, even myself couldn’t understand why I was doing it, why I was putting such effort and time. I can’t believe that the universe allowed me to meet you. Being with you under the same skies and stars and breathing air in the same place was truly magical. I asked myself once again, Is this what they called the one? Is this what they called love? Is this what they called fate? Is this what they called a happily ever after? Because whatever it is, I am almost getting to know what is.

For the past years, I thought I was not capable to bear the feeling of loving again or at least experience how it is being held once more, being seated next to someone you like the most. I thought I would no longer hold a hand and feel its tenderness, I thought I would never have the chance but suddenly you came. You came at the most unexpected time and moment— when I was not even looking or even searching. Your appearance seemed like the normal life’s randomness but I never thought you would leave such a great impact on my innermost self.

I just hoped you’d never held my hand. I hoped you’d never let me feel the affection of your embrace. I hoped you’d never look me in the eyes for a couple of seconds. I hoped I’d never hear your voice and laugh with you in the middle of the night. I hoped that I’d never wanted to see you. I hoped I’d never cling to that feeling that I am almost there because I cannot eradicate the fact that it is what I exactly longed for, honestly, what I once dreamed of. If only I could stop time and keep it still, I will choose to be there and stay in that moment ceaselessly.

But anyway, thank you. Thank you for giving me that chance to know that I am still capable of loving, I am still able to feel, that I am still a human because my heart still beats. Thank you for leaving this sooner, too, because surely letting you go would be difficult if you stayed any longer, any further.

I know I needed to stop wondering. I needed to stop looking for answers or should I say stop myself seeking clarity. Maybe, this time is not yet for me. Maybe.