12 Alternative Ways To Respond To ‘When Are You Two Getting Married?’

1. “Oh sorry, we are waiting until we haven’t been asked that question for 6 whole months and you just started the clock again.”

2.. “What is ‘married’? How have I never heard of that?” *continue to ask questions about marriage and weddings, pretending to get more and more excited by the idea.* If possible, end with “Oh I’ll have to mention this to [insert partners name here]!! She’s going to love this!! Thank you for telling me about marriage!”

3. “We really can’t afford to right now due to all the abortions we’ve been having.”

4. (Please apply as demonic of a voice as possible). “We are married in the eyes of Satan.”

5. “We already did, we just didn’t invite you.”

6. “Once the charges are dropped.”

7. “Once the prenatal paternity test results come in.”

8. (In front of the other person) “OH GOD NO!! I’M NOT GOING TO MARRY HIM!! You thought I would marry him?? *deep belly laughter*

9. “Oh shit! We totally forgot! We were supposed to do that last March. Do you think that the country club will transfer the deposit?” (to commit fully to this one, leave the event you are at frantically acting as if you are scared you’ve lost a bunch of money to a wedding you planned for last year).

10. Start cawing like a crow until the person stops talking. Every time they try to start talking to you again, caw more.

11. “Wait, how many husbands are you allowed to have again in [enter state name here]?” When they answer with “one,” respond again with, “Ohhh yeahhh. That won’t work.”

12. Grab the face of the person who asked the question and start savagely making out with her, regardless of her gender/age/relation to you. Then whisper, “Once that stops feeling so right.”