Geoffrey Asmus

There’s a lot of talk about which year in the fabulous 80s was the best. The year 1989 is a prime candidate since it marks the fall of communism. But since “Rock Me Amadeus” was released on June 11th, 1986, that is clearly the best day, month, and year of the best decade ever.

How can a society hope to achieve any semblance of equality while silently agreeing “bitch” is more offensive from Busta Rhymes than Elton John? From this nonchalant compliance stems the indignation towards Black Lives Matter protestors who would DARE disrupt a Bernie Sanders political rally or the Minnesota State Fair.

If, like most millennials, you find yourself without a personality or niche social justice issue, puns are an easy way to appear like a well-rounded human being.

While useful for understanding the world and showing off at bar trivia, liberal arts degrees are financially untenable. But there is hope! Those factory-made, wooden, paper and fake glass diplomas your alma mater handed you before unceremoniously kicking you into the real world are incredibly useful!
Just not in any of the ways you imagined.

Hey fellow dudes! Let’s give the ladies a break in the kitchen. FOREVER.

The following are a list of ‘Horsemen’ considered to lead the devilish armada as it rains destruction down on Earth in the very near future:

1. Assorted Tropical Fish.

Instead of studying abroad in France (too cliche), Spain (too safe), or Brazil (too few morals), you decided to live in a yurt in Central Asia’s Kyrgyzstan. You learned how to saddle a horse before you ate your first meal, and now you could catch a gopher with your bare-hands while blindfolded.

1. I’mWillingToChangeEverythingAboutMyselfForARelationship.com

Online dating is scary enough without vague, pointless phrases making awful people appear strangely appealing.