Gaby Dunn

You want to buy the person donuts and a speedboat and a ruby necklace and a year’s supply of Oreo cookies and a signed Indiana Jones fedora on which Harrison Ford has written, “Please forgive the person giving you this fedora. They are so, so sorry! Xoxo, Han Solo.”

15. Paul Rudd’s entire filmography, in one (1) DVD box set, alphabetized except for the film Wet Hot American Summer, which should go on top of the box set and be leaned against one (1) can of Goya Pinto Beans.

Tattoos are art. Someone drew them and I paid to hang their work in the gallery that is my body. Would you bum rush the Mona Lisa and start smearing your dirty hands all over it? Do you need to touch every bump on a Van Gogh to appreciate what it looks like? Not if you’re not Mr. Magoo, you don’t.

She’s got long blond hair and curves and when she walks into a room, men act like a literal bomb’s gone off. One time, our mom scolded me by asking, “You know how Tina Fey is beautiful when she’s Tina Fey and not as beautiful when she’s Liz Lemon? Why do you insist on Liz Lemon-ing yourself?” Direct quote.

If you’ve reached this article, it’s because you are a non-superhero female character in a graphic novel and you’re searching for what you’re supposed to do now. Before you popped up in this graphic novel as the reluctant sidekick to the tough-yet-emotionally-broken male protagonist, you most likely had your own life.

Wonder if one of these doors leads to Narnia or to a really cute guy in a suit playing piano by himself because he’s bashful about people hearing him even though he’s really good. Think about your own wedding to piano guy at this venue.

I was watching Romeo + Juliet the other night and in between jamming to the Cardigans’ ‘Lovefool’ and mourning young Leonardo DiCaprio, I remembered a ’90s hottie I hadn’t thought about in a while.