Gaby Dunn

You get to have sex with Jennifer Lawrence. Did you see that Madrid El Hormiguero interview where she fired a bow and arrow while wearing high heels? I popped twelve boners and I don’t even have one boner.

I was a teenager hiding a burgeoning queer identity while living in a small religious community. I desperately needed to know there were people out there, living in the world, who thought like I did, who appreciated the same aspects of pop culture I did, and especially, who loved like I did.

If we don’t get to do the things you find most fun, I will feel immensely guilty as a hostess. So you have to give me somewhere to start. Saying, “I don’t know. Show me around! Whatever you want to do!” makes me feel 100 percent responsible for your good time.

Stop approaching women who are alone on the street. Stop hollering at women “from the passenger side of your best friend’s ride,” as TLC would say. When has this ever turned out well for you?

AV Concepts built a realistic “hologram” version of the rapper. As cool as the technology is, I have to say I’m in the minority here: the whole thing creeped me out.

If you’re like every other woman, you frequently walk around looking hot only to suddenly stop and sigh with frustration, “Golly, my body is such a problem.” Fear no more, ladies.

It’s time for the woman richer than the Queen to show us what else she’s got up her sleeve. Time to leave our childhoods and enter a world where JK Rowling releases books that don’t include magic spells.

A fun thing to do if you’re bored is include Billy Zane’s name in popular songs. “Billy Zane is in my ear and in my eyes” or “Billy Zane is not my lover!” You’re welcome.

Whether or not you’re in US Weekly, every woman has dealt with scrutiny over her appearance.

There were no high expectations in danger of being deflated after seeing Jason Biggs put his dong in a pastry. That day, I became a realist.

The original photo is a meme-maker’s dream. In it, Clinton looks totally cool, calm and ~over it, perfect for shooting off sassy barbs to other government officials like Colin Powell and Anthony Weiner from the comfort of her spacious G6.

Their debut single “What Makes You Beautiful” is probably the lonely Internet’s national anthem. I stand and put my hat to my chest whenever I hear it.

1. Wilt Chamberlain 2. Amy Poehler’s new baby 3. Your aunt who lives in New Mexico and makes turquoise bracelets on Etsy

Your real-life sexual orientation is moot. You deserve the same respect — and career opportunities — provided to other actors. Here’s my evidence: You’re consistently confusing the crap out of my lady hormones.

The walls and furniture become my whipping boys. I need him to see me, always, even if it’s just to scrape me out from underneath his fingernails. “Are you ever going to actually hit me?” I ask.

Do you think Ross and Rachel would have happened on ?Friends? if they?d all just gotten down to biz-nass in a big heap on day one? No way! Because that weird tension would have evaporated and everyone could just go on being friends without this “will-they-won?t-they” nonsense.

It’s no fun telling the Dunkin Donuts employee she makes a “damn fine cup of coffee” when all she does is give me a blank stare back.

In the past, to appease the fandom desires of their kids, my parents have: attended midnight screenings of all LOTR movies, seen four *NSync concerts, dressed up like the Teletubbies, driven two hours to a book signing by the cast of RENT and DVRed every episode of Ryan Seacrest’s daily talk show.