How To Stay Healthy When Everyone Around You Is Sick

It’s that time of year. The time when everyone is coughing up a bloody lung and sniffling in a weird chorus of sniffles. Everyone is getting sick. It’s all around you. You’ll never escape the whirlwind of tissues and tea. Now, you might think that it’s inevitable that you too will get sick. How can you avoid it? Fear not! Here are some ways to stay healthy when everyone around you is getting sick.

1. Do not touch or kiss anyone ever again

Even if they seem healthy, you never know what could be brewing under the surface. Maybe they have a throat tickle they just haven’t told you about. If you do accidentally make human contact, be sure to slather the area with hand sanitizer and aloe vera. Love is not the antidote. It is the disgusting virus spreader that we willingly engage in because of some deep hole in our chests that makes us crave skin-on-skin contact like chumps. Rise above it. If you have a beau who insists on some smooching, make sure to cover them in plastic wrap first. Then, get down with the get down on their crinkly, sticky body.

As for friends, start burning bridges now. Tell the one you think is bitchy that she’s bitchy. Be honest about how that one guy is super annoying. Trash their art or job or mother. Just make sure no one wants to come hang out with you and compromise your precious immune system.

2. Drink all the orange juice

Just consume all the orange-flavored products there are on the market. Actual oranges, orange Gatorade, orange pixie sticks. Whatever! Just suck down those oranges. You need all the Vitamin C you can get. In fact, start blasting that Graduation song. It can’t hurt to also fill your ears with Vit-C, right?

3. Don’t leave your house.

Germs are everywhere. They’re on the subway railings, on money, on the street, on your car door. You can’t trust the outdoors. But you can control your own abode. Get some Febreze and other cleaning supplies and scrub down your place until it’s spotless. Then, hunker down for the foreseeable future. Put on Netflix, open up Seamless web and prepare for a healthy life. Alone. Where the only person you talk to is the food delivery guy and even then you make him leave it on your stoop and you retrieve it with one of those grabby claw things. You become known as the Boo Radley of your neighborhood. But at least you don’t have a nasty cold.

If your roommate tries to approach you, spray them with a steady stream of Lysol while making war cries through your SARS mask. Retreat! Retreat!

4. Snort Emergen-C

Get the packets. Open them. Make lines with the dust. Snort them. That’s the quickest way for the healthiness to get inside you. You’ll be strong, invincible and powerful. But don’t let it get to your head, man. Just because you snorted some Emergen-C doesn’t mean you’re immune to everyone’s snot and mucus. You’re not one of those little blue-collar Mucinex guys. You’re just a person. Hyped up on a placebo. Don’t get cocky.

5. Publicly shame anyone who is sick

If, after a good Emergen-C high, you feel like venturing outdoors, might I suggest judging the shit out of anyone who even remotely coughs in your general direction? Nothing solves illness like massive amounts of shame. I mean, right? What is this person? The ‘Outbreak’ monkey? How dare they take their sick self outside where they could spread it to unsuspecting citizens! They are a monster and they deserve you throwing them so much shade.

By rolling your eyes, putting your scarf over your mouth and moving pointedly to the other side of the train car or sidewalk, you’re telling them that ain’t nobody got time for that. You’re basically saving at least, five trillion lives with your judgement. You’re like a doctor without borders, or a firefighter. You deserve a medal.

6. Wash your damn hands

You know how little kids always have poop and spaghetti and marker all over their hands and you’re like, “What? We didn’t even HAVE spaghetti today. How???” Adult hands are exactly like that except we just can’t see all the gross stuff on us 24/7. You want to stay healthy? Wash your hands. Wash them like they are a whale who needs to stay hydrated so you can make it from the aquarium to the ocean to free them. WILLY!

So all that seems pretty doable. Keep away from the zombie hoard of whooping coughers and sniffling sneezers and you should be okay. Protect yourself! You’re worth it!