Apartment Listings In New York City Maybe

1br, Upper West Side, right above a 24/7 laundromat and a Starbucks, an old woman who is deaf lives downstairs and also upstairs so make as much noise as possible.

2br, Soho, your roommate is a hot guy who walks around shirtless and loves making breakfast for people he lives with.

Studio, Brooklyn, downstairs from a chocolate factory so the apartment smells like chocolate all day long, hope you don’t mind.

3br, East Village, two Knicks cheerleaders already live here and their rooms are connected to your room and the bathroom so they have to walk through your room after they shower, male roommates only!

1br, Manhattan, roof access, apartment comes with robot butler who will do all your dishes and cleaning for you.

1br, Brooklyn, your upstairs neighbor plays reggaeton from dusk ’til dawn and the thumping bass shakes your apartment below. You go upstairs to yell at them and your neighbor is Snoop Lion. Smoke weed everyday.

Sublet, 5br, Upper East Side, a rich couple is going on safari and needs someone to take care of their super nice apartment that is basically a mansion and the elevator opens right to their home from the floor and there’s a door man and Tina Fey is their neighbor. They probably will get eaten by rhinos and won’t come back.

2br, Williamsburg, your roommate is an artisan pizza chef and takes home leftovers at the end of the night.

2br, Chelsea, your roommates are an adorable gay couple who will tell you how beautiful you are every morning.

Studio, West Village, near 10,000 bars and above a store that makes peanut butter sandwiches all day. If you are allergic to peanut butter, DO NOT apply. Seriously the air is poison to you. You will die.

1br, Lower East Side, the apartment used to be owned by a guy who made his own whiskey. There is whiskey left over everywhere. Enjoy.

6br, 2 bath, Williamsburg, the rest of your roommates are the guys from One Direction.