Bone, Marry, Kill: New Girl’s Schmidt, Nick and Winston

When a girl’s got three male roommates, it’s natural to play a little game of Bone, Marry, Kill. On New Girl, there’s former basketball star Winston, “douchebag” with a heart of gold Schmidt, and law-school dropout turned bartender Nick.

And though Jess dates a plethora of other dudes, she’s had little dalliances with the boys in her hood. She almost goes to Schmidt’s room one night, her and Nick seem like endgame and Winston (and the others) admit they’ve thought about her while masturbating. But in the end, they’re all just friends. So it’s up to us, viewers, to decide which of these three guys we’d bone, marry or kill.

Let’s break it down:

Winston

Winston played basketball for two years in Latvia before returning to take Coach’s place as their third roommate. He’s a fun-loving weirdo when you’d expect him to be a brainless jock. He’s a softie who loves ducks and he’s a fast learner who takes to the bells (the instrument Jess is teaching her students) almost immediately.

He actually might secretly be the smartest person in the apartment. He’s great at trivia and though he can manipulate the others, he chooses not to use his powers for evil.

He’s also HILARIOUS. One of the greatest moments of the entire show is Winston driving to Mexico while singing the entire “Wicked” soundtrack. It’s just…I can’t even breathe watching it.

[youtube http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=uCdru_WNfR8&w=600&h=350%5D

Even so, Winston isn’t necessarily marriage material because he’s got a lot to learn about treatment of women (he admits he treated his ex, Shelby, terribly). But he actually makes strong changes in his life to better his callous behavior. He does such a great job, that he’s able to win Shelby back. And since then, he’s become an ideal boyfriend.

Verdict: Bone Winston.

Schmidt

Schmidt is the reason their apartment has a “Douchebag” jar where every time you say something “douchey” you have to put money in the jar. But! He’s so much more than a 2D shallow a-hole. Schmidt has actually become the heart of the show.

You see, Schmidt used to be overweight, he used to be bullied, he used to be a nerd, he recently broke his penis. So to overcompensate, he now pretends to have all this bravado. But really, deep down, he’s a super good person who cares about his friends. He can be self-centered and strange, yes, but he means so well and is so earnest, it’s hard not to root for him. (Especially when CeCe treats him terribly and he clearly loves her.)

[youtube http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=n7GklAJOoHo&w=600&h=350%5D

He is also SO FUNNY. He gets the best lines and plots on the show. He’s got his flaws and his quirks but how fun would it be to marry him? It’d be so fun. You’d never be bored. He’d also cook, clean and keep your place looking sharp. On that same note, he’s the only one of the boys with a steady, well-paying job. Winston’s beginning to get his life together and Nick has no direction, but Schmidt? He wears a suit to work. He’s ready to be a hubby.

Don’t deny it. Don’t be embarrassed. You know it’s true. You’d totally marry Schmidt.

Verdict: Marry Schmidt.

Nick

Look, I love Nick. No one is saying we hate Nick. But Nick is kind of…bland. He’s not going anywhere and he’s okay with doing nothing with his life — or if he isn’t, he certainly doesn’t do anything to better his situation. (He dropped out of law school and works as a bartender, a job he hates.)

Plus, he’s grumpy. So grumpy. He’s constantly acting like he’s surrounded by idiots, or better than the weird scenarios he finds himself in and he’s totally not. He even makes the same annoyed face in response to every plot on the show. Just deal with it, Nick. Deal with it.

[youtube http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jrKoovVLstU&w=600&h=350%5D

When it comes to romance, Nick also sucks. He couldn’t make it work with strong awesome lawyer lady Lizzie Caplan and he keeps getting tricked into getting back together with his shitty ex, Caroline. How does he not see that his love life needs serious work? (Oh? Because the show is setting him up to be with Jess? Duh.)

This BMK decision truly pains me because Nick is technically the male lead on the show. He’s the one we’re supposed to love and relate to. He’s the one we want to see with Jess, right? He should be our guy. And you know, obviously, I wouldn’t kick Nick out of bed. But! Compared to his two roommates, you gotta kill Nick. Schmidt and Winston just have him beat.

So sorry, FOX! I know he’s your dashing male protagonist but he doesn’t hold a candle to the wit, charm and genius of Winston and Schmidt. It’s gonna be a big fat “K.”

Verdict: Kill Nick.