Insane Things I’ve Said To Romantic Partners

What I actually said seems like something a fetishist would ask of a specialty hooker.

Updated 12 years ago, May 21, 2012

We’ve all been there. We mean to say something flattering or funny and it just comes off coo-coo bananas. In a romantic setting, this faux pas is ten times worse. No worries. Even James Bond, I’m sure, can’t be suave all the time. For us “normals,” it’s a whole uncharted ocean of trouble every time we open our mouths.

Along the lines of the talented Mr. Gondelman’s post about Insane Things He’s Said To Women, I have also not been the best at words when it comes to sealing the deal romantically. (As Steve Martin said, “Some people have a way with words and other people….uh, oh, not have way?”)

I date both sexes so this is a bucket of equal opportunity fail right here. Lock your doors. Barricade the windows. Neither gender is safe.

“Yeah, you don’t have a lot of Facebook pictures.”

When talking to someone you have a crush on, maybe don’t mention how you’ve looked through their Facebook photos with a fine-toothed comb. Even if they’re talking about how they don’t really use Facebook. You don’t have to help their case while torpedoing your own. Especially do not chime in by mentioning that you know they only have 45 Facebook photos. You’re helping everyone but yourself.

Now, have I said this exact sentence recently? Definitely. To a person’s face? Yep. And then tried to backtrack unsuccessfully? Most assuredly.

Bonus points for also throwing in: “You don’t have a Twitter either” if you want to complete looking like a massive creeper for all time.

“No, look, look, here’s the Wikipedia page for ‘Kobe Bryant sexual assault case.’ I told you it was real.”

This is one instance where it is completely okay not to win an argument with someone you’re trying to pick up at a bar.

Chinjury.

Speaking of picking people up, I’m not sure what crossed wires in my brain are connected to think that potential romantic partners will also LOVE puns but I am always certain of it in the moment. It is my go-to. For instance, I recently saw a girl at a bar with a band-aid on her face and in an attempt to chat her up, I leaned nearer and said, “I like your chinjury.”

CHINJURY. Come on, guys. That is an A+ portmanteau. So charming, right? How was she not swooning at that point? Mostly, she just said, “Uh, what?” and walked away. Maybe it’s one of those jokes that hits you later? Like in the shower? Sigh. Probably not.

“You and my dad have similar hands!”

Okay, yes. I love my dad. My dad and I are close. Ergo, I thought it would be complimentary to tell a guy I was dating that I thought he and my dad had similar hands. Looking back, I was basically a walking red flag.

In my defense, they were both former baseball players with slightly crooked fingers from their sportier days. See! Innocent! But said the way I did, out of context? Yikes. Yikes. Yikes.

“No, I want you to watch me straighten my hair.”

What I meant was, “It’s going to take me a while to do and I get bored. Would you mind terribly coming inside and talking to me while I straighten my hair?”

What I actually said seems like something a fetishist would ask of a specialty hooker.

“Ten Points To Gryffindor!”

Oh no? Oh yes. I said it right exactly when you would not have wanted me to say it. During a sex thing. I meant it to be flattering. I kind of maintain it was? The other person graciously laughed in my face, but continued to date me. Wicked!