So You’re A Female Character In A Graphic Novel. Now What?

If you’ve reached this article, it’s because you are a non-superhero female character in a graphic novel and you’re searching for what you’re supposed to do now. Before you popped up in this graphic novel as the reluctant sidekick to the tough-yet-emotionally-broken male protagonist, you most likely had your own life.

Kindly forget it.

Helping this dude on his quest is your only priority now. After all, I’m assuming, he recently – and improbably — saved your life.

So leave your job as a prostitute/ stripper/ secret agent/ assassin/ bank teller and get your head on straight.

Here are 6 essential facts for you to know about yourself before you move forward any panels.

6. You’re about to die.

Sorry! I thought it was only fair to tell you sooner rather than later that you’re not going to make it past the first issue of this comic book. You’re the girlfriend, mother, wife, foster sister, or pregnant ex of the protagonist and you’re going to be the driving plot device behind his going after the bad guys. Now that you’re gone, he has nothing left to live for. Whoever did this to you needs to pay!

5. You know how to handle a gun.

If you survive the first issue, it’s because you know how to fire a gun. I don’t care if you’re a barista or a scientist. Your dad was ex-Mossad and before he was tragically killed in a mysterious falafel incident, he taught your middle-school butt how to handle, at least, a Desert Eagle handgun and an UZI. By the time you got your driver’s license you were blowing pinecones out of the air in your family’s backyard. His message? “Shoot to kill. Now here’s your lunch money.”

4. You have a history of sexual and/or physical abuse.

Your creepy teacher raped you. Your mom’s new boyfriend got drunk and hit you. A customer at the strip club got too handsy with you. It’s left you scarred, unavailable and angry. Or perhaps it caused you to use sex as a weapon, you cold, misguided bitch. Either way, it’s why you don’t trust men, especially not the protagonist you work with now. This is called “emotional back story.”

3. You might be – or might know – a lesbian.

If you are smart or helpful to the male protagonist in any way, you are probably a lesbian. Congratulations! The “helpful lesbians” are a favorite among comic book authors. You are also feminine, thin and conventionally beautiful. But since all women are different, one of you will look like a supermodel (maybe even a minority?!) and one of you will look like Tina Fey. Thanks, lesbians!

2. Whether just waking up or mid-gun fight, you always look hot.

Sleep with make-up on. Secretly brush your hair. Somehow always look freshly showered even though you’re on the run from enemy agents and haven’t changed clothes in days. Did you just wake up with your hands tied on the stone floor of an underground torture chamber belonging to a corrupt US Senator? You better look like you’re shooting the cover of Maxim that morning.

1. Any man you initially dislike, you’ll end up sleeping with.

Everyone knows the only reason a woman would ever be assertive about disliking a man is if she were secretly harboring uncontrollable lusty desires toward him. Maybe you guys are exes and he treated you horribly because he couldn’t deal with his own shit? Forgive him ASAP. In fact, the more dick-ish he is to you, the more you want to bang him. For example, tell him off for being a misogynist, but then smirk playfully. He might hate women, but you guys like, understand each other.

Well, good luck firing off a semi-automatic while artfully smoking a cigarette in your midriff-baring t-shirt, female character in a graphic novel! I hope this guide was helpful to you. It is also a lesbian.