16 Rider Requests, If I Were A Famous Musician

16. Three (3) red, plastic wheelbarrows full of Polly-O string cheese. Mozzarella. NOT TWISTED FLAVOR.

15. Paul Rudd’s entire filmography, in one (1) DVD box set, alphabetized except for the film Wet Hot American Summer, which should go on top of the box set and be leaned against one (1) can of Goya Pinto Beans.

14. One (1) bottle of Johnson & Johnson Baby Oil and twenty-four (24) long stem roses TOTALLY DE-THORNED. (Idea stolen from LL Cool J but it really should just come standard in every artist’s rider.)

13. One (1) large 24×36 Teen Beat poster of Rider Strong as Shawn Hunter circa the third season of the television show Boy Meets World. Strong should be against a row of purple or pink school lockers, shrugging, shaggy hair artfully in his eyes, plaid button-down tied around his waist. Poster should be on the wall, to the right of the mirror, eye level with the artist when she is sitting down at her makeup table. Cardboard word bubble may be glued to poster reading, “Hello Gorgeous!” or “Lookin’ Good!” Venues choice.

12. Six (6) fluffy white pillows from the Target bedding department. One should have a cartoon rendering of the head of Disney’s Hannah Montana, one should be of Mrs. Potts from the film Beauty and the Beast (Or any other Angela Lansbury character), one should be of Jem. NONE OF THE HOLOGRAMS, PLEASE!

11. NO SCRUBS!!!

10. Twenty four (24) small plastic dreidels of assorted colors, split evenly between blue, white, red and yellow. Each color should be separated into its own sterling silver ashtray. These trays should be in a diamond formation on the dressing table when the artist arrives.

9. One (1) smartly-dressed male masseuse resembling the news anchor Anderson Cooper, in hair color and distance of eyes from both each other and nose. Please arrive one (1) hour pre-show for a half-hour massage and a half-hour of nodding sympathetically while artist complains about “boy troubles” like missing David Tennant since he left Doctor Who and why Jesse Eisenberg lost that Oscar, over cocktails. COCKTAIL GLASS WILL NOT BE PROVIDED. Please bring your own.

8. One (1) vintage garnet and gold high school Varsity jacket. Size small.

7. One (1) DVD copy of the 1985 Michael J. Fox film Teen Wolf to view pre-show while wearing the vintage garnet and gold Varsity jacket. Artist prefers to “wolf out.” Six (6) DVD copies of the 1987 Jason Bateman film Teen Wolf Too to smash while viewing Teen Wolf pre-show.

6. Six (6) Black and Decker ball-peen hammers.

5. One (1) nude female artist’s model. One (1) 7-foot-tall block of solid ice. Two (2) working Poulan Pro 18-inch 2-Cycle Gas Anti-Vibration Chainsaws. Two (2) red oven mitts, unused. Four (4) rolls of Duck Brand Duct Tape. One (1) artist’s assistant. Previous experience duct-taping chainsaws to hands a plus.

4. Thirteen (13) 16 oz bottles of Fiji water in a steel bucket of cubed ice. PLEASE REMOVE IF AFTER MIDNIGHT. Artist must not have water after midnight. VERY IMPORTANT.

3. Five (5) members of The Foo Fighters to perform “Everlong” on acoustic guitars and xylophones in artist’s dressing room pre-show. Lead singer Dave Grohl should also be holding one (1) hot tea with lemon for artist to consume post-pre-show show.

2. One (1) vengeance taken silently and swiftly against artist’s enemies by ninja assassin, a man with no past. Throwing stars okay. Nunchucks preferred. Proficiency in Microsoft Office a must.

1. Two (2) assorted vegetable platters. THANK YOU!