This Is Me Finally Being Authentic

There are times I don’t know my worth. I don’t know what I deserve because I feed my fear over my confidence. I don’t know what I’m capable of because I allow the noise around me to silence my voice. I stay when I should leave because I think that’s loyalty. I keep toxic people in my life because I think that’s what loving people actually means. I do things I don’t want to do because I think I am being selfless. I don’t say what I’m actually feeling because I think I’m choosing my battles.

There are times I don’t love myself. I don’t love my gigantic heart because it gets me in trouble. I don’t love my over-thinking mind because it stops me from being carefree. I don’t love my body because of the barriers I project onto it. I don’t love my anxiety because I can’t run away from it.

There are times I’m my worst enemy. I blame myself about things I’m not proud about my past because I still struggle with being a human. I get disappointed in myself when I fail because I hold myself to a standard. I give up on myself when nothing is working because somehow I’m convinced it’s my fault. I let myself go when I feel so much pain because I simply don’t know how to manage it.

I’m not always happy. I’m not always in a good mood. I’m not always grateful to be alive.

There are times I don’t like where I am coming from. I don’t like my family because they can be some sort of hell. I don’t like my culture because there are things it glorifies that I am ashamed of. I don’t like my past because it robs me from the happiness I have today.

There are times I don’t have it together. I don’t have the answers I need because I’m either looking in the wrong places or I’m asking the wrong questions. I question my faith because I feel like God has forgotten about me. I lose my purpose a hundred times because following a passion is not a journey fixed. I’m not proud of what I do for a living because it doesn’t reflect my potential.

I don’t always feel heard. I don’t always feel cared for. I don’t always feel loved.

There are times I don’t want to be seen. I don’t want to be vulnerable because the idea of being rejected by someone I am falling for is unbearable. I don’t want to be honest about my beliefs because I’m tired of being misunderstood. I don’t want to show my scars because people have used them against me before.

There are times I don’t feel this world is my home. I don’t always feel a sense of belonging. I don’t always feel like I’m living the life that is an authentic reflection of the person I am. And I don’t always feel like I know myself.

I will uncover my truth until it shines on its own and I will dig deep into my soul until I find myself because this is me finally being authentic.