15 Thoughts While Watching Star Wars XXX

I recently had the distinct pleasure of watching my first pornographic movie. Now I’m not pointing out this was my first so it can be some weird First Time thing. I just have never had any desire to watch porn. And besides the occasional porn viewing in the background of bars or when my friend made me watch a couple clips with him freshman year of college, I just haven’t watched a whole porn. I’m quite alright living in my brain and imagination, thankyouverymuch. But, as with anything Star Wars, I was willing to give this porn parody a shot just for its parody-ness.

Here are some thoughts I had while watching Star Wars XXX.

1. The parody stuff is pretty good and I’m honestly so relieved there’s a non-porn version of this movie because just the parody is pretty funny. But why oh why is it two and a half hours long?

2. Literally the first sex scene is Leia giving Vader a BJ. I’m out. Okay fine I’ll keep watching.

3. To inject some female characters in the Star Wars universe, they make all the Stormtroopers female. Interesting. Too bad Star Wars VII probably won’t be as diverse, female-wise.

4. Feel pretty confident I would have rather lived my life without seeing a sex scene with Obi-Wan Kenobi.

5. And I DEFINITELY would have rather it not involve a Tusken Raider. Watching her take off all her stuff so you guys could have sex was really disturbing.

6. Did they really get the rights to the actual cantina music because it sure sounds close. I guess it’s just a good ripoff but man!

7. I really like the porn parody Luke, Leia, Obi-Wan, everyone else. Why is Han so…goofy?

8. Of COURSE the Tonnika Sisters are gonna get it on together. And of COURSE they’re both wearing American Apparel bodysuits. But, their sex scene is the best, imo, because they actually kiss and seem into it. (But man is this porn parody INCESTY – look I GET IT but I still don’t think Leia needed to blow Vader.)

9. I’m still traumatized by Obi-Wan’s sex scene and now I’m laughing at the idea that Luke never gets a sex scene in this because, duh, no one wants that. The Luke is the PERFECT amount of whiny “but I was going to Tosche Station to pick up some power converters” so I love him.

10. Wait, I’m actually eternally grateful there was no Aunt Beru sex scene.

11. The people who don’t have sex scenes in this parody are so good! Are they porn actors but just not having sex scenes in this porn? Please advise. I have no idea how this works.

12. OMG I take everything back. There’s a Chewbacca sex scene I had to fast forward through. No no no no no no no no no nonononononononononononononononononnonoooooooo

13. Wow there really is a lot of this movie that’s not sex scenes. I mean, the sex scenes are all VERY long and uncomfortable but there’s also a ton of movie without sex. I’m gonna have to watch the completely non-sex version at some point.

14. Oh I see, Luke and Leia and Han are gonna get it on together, threesome style. I guess that’s fair.

15. Um okay, well, there goes porn. I think I am genuinely interested in watching (only) the non-sex parts of porn parodies. I mean, I was already convinced from that 30 Rock with the porn parody actors in it. But this confirmed it for me.