6 Ways A Married Person Is Terrible At Giving Advice To Single People

Come October I’ll have been married 4 years, in September I’ll have been with my husband for 10 years. This means (as if you know my age already) that I’ve been in a relationship with the same person since I was 20 years old.

As a result of this I’ve never casually dated anyone. I don’t know any of the rules or tricks or games or not-games or anything. I’ve never even really been on a proper first date though I think my husband and I went and hung out alone once and that was our “first date.”

There’s some assumed correlation between being married and having beaten the game of dating, or something. This isn’t true at all so let me take you through the various ways I am terrible at giving advice to my single and dating friends.

1. They hasn’t answered my text but I don’t want to seem annoying, what do I do?

Well, if my husband wasn’t answering me I’d just keep texting him to be “fake” annoying and also call him a few times. So maybe try that?

2. They still keep in touch with an ex and I stalk the ex across all social media.

Oh, well, I mean, that relationship probably wasn’t that serious. Oh, it was for five years? Huh. That’s interesting. Um, I dunno, don’t look at her page probably?

3. They don’t want to list that we’re in a relationship on Facebook.

Oh, well, we had just gotten Facebook the year we started dating and I was listed as married to my gay friend because we really liked each other and then people thought I was married which got confusing but I wasn’t but anyway it wasn’t a big deal so like, I dunno, maybe don’t worry about it?

4. They don’t like _____ which is my favorite ______!

Oh, you didn’t base a relationship upon a mutual love of The Simpsons and then build from there and now you just happen to be into all the same shows because you share a TV and it’s annoying if you don’t watch MOST of the same shows.

5. They just tweeted but still haven’t replied to that text!

Ugh, super annoying. Again, just like, probably stalk them by calling and texting a lot? That’s what I would do for sure. It seems to work and my husband is very used to it by now.

6. They criticize my style and personality a lot but otherwise are great.

Get rid of them. That is rude and not helpful and you shouldn’t change yourself in that way for someone. This one I feel pretty confident on, actually. Unless you’re about to wear a weird wash of jeans with a shirt he doesn’t think goes. My husband is really good at that, actually. I trust him there.