44 Ambien Stories That Will Creep You The Eff Out

1. You Do The Weirdest Things And Can’t Remember Them

I took Ambien for nearly six months. I don’t know what rumors you’ve read about Ambien, but I can only imagine that most of them are entirely true. On numerous occasions I would wake up to find my kitchen in total chaos – baking pans, skillets, knives, cutting boards, etc as if I’d prepared a seven course meal. Which I apparently had been doing – entirely in my sleep with no recollection of it. It wasn’t until my GF set up a video camera that I realized what was happening.

On two occasions I woke up and my car was parked either in the neighbor’s driveway or down the block. I had apparently ‘sleep driven’ on more than one occasion. Ambien is scary,scary crap – it beat me down like a one legged man in an ass kicking contest and apparently made me (temporarily) insane while I slept?!?!

2. Mysterious Packages Started Arriving

I tried Ambien for a while. I would take it about 30 minutes before going to bed and browse around online, waiting for it to kick in. I started receiving packages from Amazon that I didn’t order. It was all good stuff that I liked, so I called around to family and friend trying to figure out who was so kind to send me stuff. When my credit card bill came, everything was on there, thankfully nothing I couldn’t afford. I checked my Amazon account, and apparently I ordered them myself and don’t recall it. Thanks Ambien. I stopped taking it for fear of what else I might do.

3. Pissed On My Computer

About a year ago, I was in my college town and trying to get on my normal sleep schedule. I took my prescribed ambien about 8 P.M. Minutes after taking it, my roommate walks in and talks me into going to the bar across the street. When I walked in I was nervous about drinking while under the influence of ambien. Two hours later I’m walking back the the apartment about 8 beers in. I’m not drunk at this point, however, I’m feeling the tiring effects of the ambien.

I proceed to crash in my bed, sleeping like never before. The next morning, I wake up at 6:30, get dressed and goto my 7:00 class. When I return at 9:00 A.M., I go straight to my computer to check my schedule for the remainder of the day. I can’t help but notice the nasty, “just washed your car and let the soap dry before rinsing off film” all over my glossy black dell. As I’m pondering this, flashbacks occur in my mind. I have vague memories of me waking up, and going to the nearest light, “my Dell.” I proceeded to piss all over the screen, keys, and nightstand. The side of my bed was wet as well.

Thankfully, Windex cleaned everything, the computer still work, but damn, I pissed on my fucking computer.

4. Pirates In My Room

My dad used to take Ambien because he travels around the world for work a lot, and has to deal with jet lag all the time. He stopped after multiple conversations with me or my brother that he would simply not remember taking place the next morning.

Now for me, I took Ambien briefly when I was 19 because I was suffering from some pretty severe insomnia. Now, My dad had just given me a couple from his prescription, I hadn’t seen a doctor or anything that had prescribed my them,so I wasn’t really sure what to expect. I had taken sleep aids previously, but nothing like Ambien.

So, at about 11 PM, I’m settling down for the night, thinking about trying to sleep, which I hadn’t successfully done for about 40 hours, and popped an Ambien. Not knowing that those fuckers kick in quick, I figured I had thirty or forty minutes before I started to feel sleepy (which isn’t how ambien works, anyway), and so went outside and slowly smoked a joint. By the time I came back inside, the Ambien had fully kicked in, and boy, does weed and ambien mix weird.

The hallucinations kicked in about ten minutes later, nothing too crazy at first, just some waves on the wall and my computer screen appeared to be constantly jarring around an was impossible to focus on.

Things got much worse from there.

The only way I can really describe it is to say it was like I was dreaming. Not that floaty, “whoa I’m high” type of dreaming, but full on shit-doesn’t-make-sense-and-there’s-fucking-pirates-in-my-room type dreaming. My mind would jump from situation to situation, and I would honestly believe I was in them, but I could not remember what they were the next morning. It was as if dream-world and reality had intersected in my little one bedroom apartment.

I don’t really remember much else I did that night. I figured I finally fell asleep around five or six AM, and woke up around noon the next day (Best night of sleep in days, incidentally). I had passed out on the floor of my living room, wearing jeans and a hat but no shirt or socks, my coffee table was upside down, and there were the remnants of a small fire in the corner of my (carpeted) living area. I have no idea what the fuck I got up to, the only image I have is a vague recollection of chanting nonsense and dancing around the room, hoisting a pimp cane from an old Halloween costume into the air on which I’d stuck a roll of toilet paper, which I then set on fire.

I attempted to recreate my experience that next night, but with less fire. It went…ok.

5. I Literally Ground My Teeth Down In One Night

Both of my siblings had to get braces. I didn’t. My teeth were neigh-perfect except for my top-right incisor, which was a couple millimeters longer than my left and it was pushed about the same distance towards the front of my mouth. I asked them on a fairly regular basis how their mouths were and if the braces hurt and then went on to complain to them how this one tooth bugged me. I considered getting it shaved down but realized that it’s only a tooth and I could live with it. My brother and sister got their braces off eventually and my insomnia was slowly building.

I took the OTC stuff and was building up a tolerance to those things (up to 17 Benedryl in one night before I saw a doc). So she prescribed me Ambien. Apparently my jaw didn’t like it too much. After about a week my body acclimated to it. I awoke one morning with what felt like grits all over my mouth. I freaking ground down my teeth in one night. So my front teeth are all flat, except for my canines. That one incisor that bugged me for so many years was now flush with my other teeth. Sonnabitch. I told my siblings about it within the next month. They just laughed. Goddamn ambien. My body acclimated to it within the next month and I had to switch meds.

6. Poor Decisions

I was stuck with a three year magazine subscription because I answered the door after taking some. My brain just turns to mush and I make poor decisions.

7. Imaginary Air Race On A Flying Mattress

A couple of years ago, I decided I’d take 25 mg of Ambien for shits and giggles. Pretty soon, I was having the time of my life sitting in my chair with my eyes closed, because whenever I closed my eyes, I would feel the chair take off like a plane and fly really fast. My mattress did the same thing. In fact, I had an imaginary air-race on my flying mattress against my cool new friends who had materialized through the wall earlier that night. It wasn’t so much a hallucination as it was a vivid waking dream.

Ambien is some fucking crazy stuff.

8. Had Sex With My BF…Don’t Remember It

I only took it once as a test so that I could maybe take it a couple of days later for a red-eye flight.

Spent the night with bleak dreams, not quite nightmares, but depressing things where everyone was angry and shouted at me all the time.

Had sex in the morning with my bf (apparently), but can’t remember anything about it. Spent the entire day after feeling miserable, like a full-blown, stuck-inside-your-head-hating-yourself depression. It took me until close to dinner time to figure out it was probably that one sleeping pill.

9. Teddy Bear Rescue

I started taking Ambien a couple months back to help get more restful sleep. The first night I took it I hallucinated that all of the clothes in my closet had turned into zombies that were planning a sneaky attack on me. It was so weird, I could see them whispering to one another. At one point I remembered my child hood teddy bear was trapped in the closet with the zombies and I needed to rescue him. I bust out my iPhone, call my best friend to fill him in on the situation and proceed to turn on the light saber app and swing my phone back and forth at the closet. I managed to snatch my teddy bear and go to sleep after a little bit.

10. A Brilliant Idea, Triple The Dosage

I’d take a pill then wake up a few hours later for the rest of the night. After about 80 hours on 6 hours of rest, I had a brilliant idea 1 pill = 3 hours so 3 pills = 9 hours.

I woke up and my bed was in a Louisiana swamp and 6 men in masks were picking it up and carrying me away. Luckily, my laptop was handy so I picked it up and got on AIM and started messaging everyone about what I was seeing. Except, the keys were floating off the keyboard and I was having to reach for them to type my pleas for help. The next day a friend of mine came over after having printed our conversation. He said he almost called 911 to have someone pick me up so I could sober up in the hospital.

I think it’s dreams like those that inspired the Rozerum commercial. Seconds after the first time I saw it, I called my psychiatrist and asked him to write me an RX. After about a week, I was getting regular sleep.

11. “Slap A Saddle On It, Cowgirl!”

Ambien makes me horny. I was half asleep on my back with a stiffy. Wife looks at me and says, “Woah, Cowboy, look at you!”

I don’t recall, but she told me I said to her, “Slap a saddle on it Cowgirl, ride it into town and tell all your friends about it.”

12. Yoo-Hoo!!!

My son’s girlfriend coming down the stairs at 1:30am with NO eyebrows and demanding I take her to get a yoo-hoo, louder and louder…..

13. Car Wreck Dream

I got an Ambien scrip my Junior year of college because I was a severe night owl. This is what happened on the last two pills of that bottle…

I took one at about 9PM at home with the hopes of getting a good night sleep. It wasn’t really knocking me out by about 10PM so I took another. I remember walking upstairs and lying in bed.

I wake up the next day thinking about that crazy dream I had. I wanted some cigarettes but the store near me was closed so I drove about 10 minutes away to a gas station (also closed). There was a lot of snow on the ground so I missed the entrance and hit the curb, popping my tire. I get out, jack the car up and fix the tire. I’ve never done it before so I call AAA and have them look at it. After he comes and looks at it (this parts fuzzy) I drive home I guess.

When I wake up I laugh about how ridiculous this dream was. I don’t know how to fix a tire, let alone when I’m wacked out on Ambien. I walk outside to go get some lunch and see the spare on my car. It wasn’t a dream.

My car had a bent control arm and was barely able to make it down my driveway. The wheel had to be turned 90 degrees to even drive straight. I have no idea how I got home.

14. “My Brain Is Like The Keebler Elf Tree And You’re One Of The Elves”

You are supposed to take the ambien and then go straight to bed. Not wait around and have giggly fun time until you pass out. Having said that, I was guilty of calling my friends and having conversations about important things while waiting for the ambien to kick in. One of my friends started making a list of the weird things I would say. Example: “My brain is like the Keebler Elf tree and you’re one of the elves.”

15. A Piece Of Meat On A Grill 

The first (and last) time I took Ambien it made me all anxious and not at all sleepy. As I was tossing and turning in bed I thought I was a piece of meat on a grill being endlessly flipped from one side to the other forever.

A friend had a similar much more pleasant experience in which she was a clam tucked cozily into the “shell” of her bedsheets.

16. The Eye Of Sauron

Oh lord, my ambien story is hilarious. So, the first time I took ambien, I absolutely tripped balls. I popped the pill, started getting ready for bed, sat down on the edge of the bed and remembered I forgot to turn my heater on. So I go over to the heater and the pill kicks in.

I sit down cause I feel woosy and turn my heater on. The red light letting me know that it is on turns into the Eye of Sauron. I try to stand up and the heater (now the Eye of Sauron) begins to tower over me, so I sit down. Every time I stand, the heater towers over me, so I am stuck in this loop of sitting and standing.

I begin to tell the heater to keep me warm throughout the night as I crawl my way over to my bed. As I stand to crawl into bed to finally sleep, the wall begins to morph into tentacles that proceeded to wrap around me and keep me snug as I slept.

17. “I Thought I Was A Gardener”

I once took ambien when I was dating an ex boyfriend of mine. I was having a lot of trouble sleeping so, he gave me one of his pills. I had never taken anything like that before. After I took it, I shortly fell asleep. Well, I thought I fell asleep. At this time, he lived in an apartment and shared a room with another person. While I thought I was sound asleep, I was apparently trying to pick flowers off the ceiling all night. I thought I was Gardener. I was also talking so loud about my new florist job, I kept the entire room awake all night. Good times. Thanks, Benjamin.

18. He Flushed The Pills After This

Not a funny story.

My dad’s doctor prescribed him ambien (I don’t know the reason) and he had a few incidents of sleep walking, but nothing big until one day I was visiting my mom when he shows up on her doorstep and knocks. I opened the door to find him standing shirtless on the porch with his car parked with the front in her yard and the back in the street with every door open.

I drove him home and finally managed to get him inside after he fell and scraped himself up on the way out of the car. Came in to find our pantry door absolutely demolished and the couch flipped backwards. Tried to figure out what happened from my dad but he just kept mumbling about some party (which I still don’t think ever actually happened) so I finally got him to sit and watch TV for a little bit before he consented to letting me help him to his room.

I slept on his couch that day and he was thoroughly confused when he woke up that morning and found me there. He told me that he took the pills, went to bed, and had no recollection whatsoever of the events that night.

Once I filled him in on what happened he flushed the rest of the pills and called his doctor to tell her what happened and told her that he would no longer be using it.

He also informed me that a month prior there had been an incident where he didn’t remember driving to work and only came to when he bumped a pole in his workplace’s parking lot.

19. Going To The Gym

I took it for a while in high school back when I was misdiagnosed with insomnia [I have DSPD, which is largely unresponsive to sleeping pills]. One night I just could. not. sleep. So instead of my usual 3 pills [I had quite the tolerance because of the DSPD], I took 4. Still nothing. So then I took another. Nothing. After taking 6 and being awake for I believe 32 straight hours, I decided it would be a great idea to drive to the gym – but I didn’t really know how to drive. So after a few minutes I ran the car into a bus bench and the city ended up having to tear it (the bus bench, not the car) out because I’d completely destroyed it.

I went off it cold turkey after that and stayed awake for the most miserable 58 hours of my life.

20. Blood Splattered Everywhere

Work started at 4pm. I woke up in bed at 4:37 feeling horrible and groggy as hell. Saw the time and got up to take a quick shower. When I walked into the bathroom, there was blood splattered everywhere. Floor, walls, toilet, but mostly on the counter by the sink. I looked at it all for about 10 seconds, then hurried up and got to work.

I evidently looked pretty fucked up when I got to work, both physically and mentally. My nose felt really weird too, kinda half numb. I went home sick after about 2 hours since I wasn’t really able to function. For some reason I called my mom before I went home, and she said I sounded really drugged out. When I got home I slept for 6 hours, and woke up feeling mostly normal.

I have no idea exactly what happened as I simply have no memory of it at all. What I was able to piece together from the evidence (mostly blood splatters) is I got up for work at a normalish time. I went to the bathroom to get ready, was standing in front of the sink, and simply passed out. On the way down, my face smashed into the edge of the counter. I somehow did not break my nose but did give it the worst nosebleed ever. This woke me back up, and I kinda writhed about in pain which spread blood everywhere. I then managed to get back to bed, laid down, and properly passed out there.

There’s still a tiny bit of nerve damage or something because one side of my nose is slightly numb all the time. I did not have this prior, which leads me to believe the face-smashing incident happened. 2 days later I told my doctor what had happened and that I wasn’t going to take Ambien anymore.

This was ~4 years ago and I still have sleeping problems, but at least my face is intact.

21. Lots Of Damage Control

Moved to NYC and my partying 4-5 nights a week was destroying my sleep schedule, so I went to a doctor with a loose prescription pad. Ambien initially helped, but I soon wasn’t sleeping after I took it. I didn’t sleep walk, I sleep lived. One night I popped my pill and went to bed, but woke up at a girl’s house (wife now) naked to her telling me she’s on her way to the airport to Japan and to make sure the door locks when I leave.

I sleep another hour or so then get on back to my apt. I get home and open the fridge to get something to drink and it is stocked with all my favorite shit: cut pineapple, honeydew, mango, Coconut water, etc. I think to myself ‘since when did they (cheap roomates) start buying this stuff. Later on that day I ask who bought the groceries they tell me I did. I check my pants pockets and find grocery receipt and multiple cab receipts. Check my phone and there are calls to multiple people, some lengthy convos. This kind of shit happens a few more times. Going out to bars meeting friends for drinks. Getting women’s phone numbers never remembering any of it. Well it feels like a distant dream that you’ve forgotten. Lots of text messages and phone convos that cause major regret. Lots of damage control.

Never take that shit anymore. Almost forgot. I’ve slept sitting up, randomly taken clothes off when out of town guest are staying over.

22. He Shot Through His Own Front Door

My dad’s friend got the key to his gun safe, took a pistol, and shot through his front door because in his dream someone was breaking in. His wife took the gun and forced him awake until it wore off then got rid of the rest of it.

23. From NYC To Frankfurt, Germany

I took some right after boarding a plane for an overnight flight from NYC to Frankfurt, Germany, later connecting to Beirut, Lebanon.

Everything was fine until I decided to stay up an extra 10 minutes because they were serving Chicken and Mashed Potatoes for dinner.

By the time the Stewardess got to my seat, I was hallucinating; half of the plane had shifted downwards and the other half had levitated up. The food cart was god knows where. At one point, the entire plane looked like that scene in Fight Club where Ed Norton imagines everyone getting sucked out into the emergency exit, except everything was neon-colored.

I managed to fall asleep, but when I woke up in Frankfurt the guy sitting next to me just shook his head and got outta there as soon as he could.

24. Demons Pushing Minecarts

Used to hallucinate Demons pushing minecarts across my eyeballs. That’s why I stopped taking Ambien. I like being an insomniac.

25. …Just To Get To The Bathroom

Last night was the first time I took it in over six months. When I was on it consistently, once a week I would wake up and there would be a laser field in my room that I would crawl through to go to the bathroom.

26. “Fish Torpedo”

I had a friend take ambien and we found him clothed in the bathtub with the water running. He was making a rowing motion like he was in a kayak. When I asked him what he was doing he replied “I’m a fish torpedo”. He then proceeded to stare at the wall and continue rowing.

27. Poor Dog

I took Ambien and woke up fully clothed, dresser on its side, desk flipped, and dog locked in closet.

28. A Human Made Of Balloons

I used to be prescribed Ambien because of insomnia caused by anxiety dreams, plus Adderall for ADHD. One morning I was SUPER exhausted, having gone to bed too late and had to get up really early for work. I go into the bathroom, take my morning Adderall and jump in the shower. Then it dawns on me that I had taken an AMBIEN instead of Adderall. I try to vomit it up but theres no pill. Shit. Soooooo in my infinite wisdom, I decide to take TWO Adderall to “counteract” the affects of the Ambien and get me through work.

That was a VERY strange day….I felt like a human made of balloons; a Balloohman if you will. I also distinctly remember hiding in the Compucave at work, praying no one would call for IT support. I was having trouble forming coherent sentences and all the strobing was distracting.

29. Artistic Genius

My weirdest Ambien story: suddenly believing I was an undiscovered artistic genius, I decided to make art with whatever I had around me. I woke up the next morning to find all my credit cards, driver’s license, gift cards, etc all cut up into various shapes on the floor.

30. Texting On Ambien

Last week I took an Ambien. When I woke up I had changed my shirt and was naked from the waste down. An open but unused condom was on the bed next to me. At 4 in the morning I had texted one of my female friends: “Come to our wonderspace Barely come in Geab son quick teickests ourtaude bsx quick ticks t”

31. Automatic Writing On Ambien

Taking Ambien was one of the strangest periods of my life. Every night was a trip. I eventually got off it because it stopped helping my insomnia. I’m not sure how to describe it…I’ve taken psychedelics and it isn’t like that, you’re completely delirious and the hallucinations are more like really strong suggestions. Everything feels really busy, like there’s a huge commotion going on in the background and a million things are happening once. Moving around feels incredibly fluid, but your sense of balance is shot to hell. Breathing feels…unusual I guess, like it’s echoing through your body.

Worst thing I ever did was film myself “dancing” to a song and post it on Facebook. Very confusing in the morning.

I tried writing on it a few times and the result was incomprehensible. Let me see if I can dig some of it up…keep in mind it was pretty much all automatic writing at around 120 WPM, so if you read it really fast you might get a feel for what Ambien is like. It makes me feel like I’m tripping on it, but a lot of that may just be the associations coming back.

There’s a lot more but it’s super long so I’ll just cut to the most interesting parts.

…so, just, last look at the bus and realize the arrangements are far too cramped, we weould never actually be able to reach in. But for now, just lying low, watching the sunset which filters in so often off the sky, bleaching white now at a temperature too harsh for any of last year’s models of glasses, and we;d hope you all have them on you if you wanbt to keep your hearing.but it comes and it comes and whiskss itself and somtimes it’s nothing and sometmes we’re just whisked beneath it and buried under it, and with the thousand tonds of the system sliding towards you and the fear of breakage at the bottom then the bowl of cement and water and parks bulges down into the city until the tallest buildings are stretched down into it, and in forced collision condense the thousand different cultures,the power faces you’ve never properly hidden, into an unformed mess and a thousand dead poker faces.
…
if yiu wrap your hand in, then you can’t put your hand in, lucky duck, wrap your arms around you, wrap your arms around you, around you, now kik, ready, wait, fly, reach, court, bump, fly.this was not and wil never be the workds that responded to in ordert fir uoiu to insinuate that i tyyoped tht vrh jfmo ; eeve pretends that this is a possile wa ro pw halfd thjew qaT and I’m really just confused; because I don’t know hpw I created this, and I don’t known what I greated before this, I just see it rolled up in a notepad and I have no clue what its merits mahy be, but it was fun so it was a worthwhile experiment, even if half the time I felt like I was just presssing at keys blindly and hoping for
wish I could look a pig in the eye and just tell it abruptly that tdsddreajth would be its ending ykno something that works. I’m no so veeeeeery high and one of the first thing that goes there is the lack of memoery of the locatipns of each of the keys on the keybaords, this feels like much more of a gypsy carnival, with all the hands just fingers and everyrhiun punching together in a way that seems almost warlike against each other.

32. Lock Up The Cereal

My friend takes that for sleeping. She was gaining weight all of a sudden. Turns out she was eating boxes and boxes of cereal which she now has to lock in her car at night to prevent…… oooonly cereal.

33. “I Don’t Trust Fruit”

My favorite Ambien Story:

SO is saying goodnight to me, being his normal stuff, but I’m totally freaked. He asks what’s wrong and I tell him, “Listen, I appreciate what you’re doing, but you’re a pineapple and you need to get the fuck out of here. I don’t trust fruit.”

I love fruit.

34. Bloody Fingernail Clippers

I had a roommate who took ambien every night. One night I wake up at like 2 AM and notice the lights are still on, and I go into the kitchen to turn them off when I notice my roommate standing over the sink. I try and get her attention but she’s not having any of it. So I walk over to her to see what she’s doing and look at what she is holding. This made me scared as shit, I thought she was possessed and attacked someone. Her mouth was coated in blood as was her hands. I freak out and ask her what the fuck she did. This is when I notice she had a finger-nail clipper in her hand and it has a nice crimson sheen to it. She had used the clipper to cut a giant chunk of her finger out and was yelling at me that she ‘had to get it out’ as I wretched the clipper from her grasp. I had to take her to the hospital and it was very difficult to explain what happened. As is the case with ambien she had no idea what happened and had to show her photos to make her realize what she did.

35. “Rabbit Time-Machine”

The first time I took it I did home mole-removal surgery with my fingernails. The second time I wrote myself a note with what I thought was the best ever plot for my award-winning novel, however in the morning all it said was “rabbit time-machine”.

36. Why I Don’t Take Ambien Anymore

I am a 26-year-old female and I used to take ambien (not anymore). Here was my ambien routine.

I would take my ambien around 8pm, then i would always need to poop when I took ambien after 5 minutes. At this point I am ok, while in the pooping mode, ambien kicks in. By the time I am out of the bathroom I am loopy as hell.

This is where I usually used to feel so good, I could do anything. So I would always experiment with food as it gave me munchies. I used to leap around the house dancing and singing like i was on stage somewhere.

Some of my great disgusting food creations on ambien included, stir fry hotdog with macaroni on top. Place one hotdog, a bunch of ramen fried noodles with egg mixed in, then top it off with some macaroni.

What about the smashed dorrito salad, one salad, with oranges, apples, honey poured in it, cereal dehydrated strawberries, crushed dorritoes and ranch dressing.

Also the occasional not creative WHOLE BAG OF CHICKEN NUGGETS, with made up sauces such as grape jelly, honey and asian dressing.

Obviously I don’t take ambien anymore.

37. In Iraq…On Ambien

I was deployed to Iraq in 2008 and had traveled up to Mosul to work with an assault force there. Literally as soon as I arrived on base at 0200, I was informed I would be working at 0700 the following morning and handed an Ambien and pointed towards a bed. I had ZERO experience with Ambien and took it thinking it would immediately knock me out and i would deal with the slight having to piss feeling in the morning.

Roughly 10 minutes after I passed out I woke up with the most intense feeling of having to pee I’ve ever felt in my life, and was terrified because I had no idea where I was. At this point I look over to the foot of my bed and my A bag (military issue duffel) begins to tell me in the deepest voice I’ve ever heard, that the bathrooms are outside and down to the right.

So I get up, realize I’m in only my boxers, but giving zero fucks so I head outside to hunt down the bathroom following my bags advice I turn to the right and start walking. At this point an assault force is running by to go hit a target and I’m tripping out literally spinning around in circles. While spinning, my bladder reaches a point in which I can’t stop and I reach down, yank my boxers down to my ankles, and while still spinning begin pissing in a circle around me while the assault force continues to run by.

Sometime later I found myself in the bathroom and decide to take a shower, though I have no soap, shampoo, or towel. After showering (or rinsing) I dry myself off with my boxers, throw them over my shoulder, and precede to walk back to my tent absolutely naked. After making it back to my bed I started watching a rat dance around the wooden frame of my bed for the next two hours until I eventually passed out.

The following day I step outside doubting that any of it ever happened until two operators walk up to me and spin in circles laughing, pantomiming peeing.

38. Another Person Shooting Through Their Front Door

I work with a woman that took Ambien for a while.

In the middle of the night, while on Ambien, she went and got her .357 out of the safe, loaded it, and blasted four holes through her front door.

When she woke up in the morning, with no recollection, she saw the bullet holes in the door and called the police, believing someone had shot up her house.

The police quickly realized that the shots had come from inside, asked to see her gun, and determined that it was loaded and recently fired.

She apparently also ate a pack or uncooked, dry, Ramen noodles during the same night, and remembered none of it.

Ambien: Not even once.

39. Emailed An Ex From Over Ten Years Ago

Ah Ambien. I checked my email one morning and saw an email from an ex from over ten years ago, someone that I would never in a million years want to talk to again. Upon reading the email it became obvious that I had emailed him. You do not know the meaning of the word humiliating, until you’ve been told to get lost by someone you would never consciously talk to.

I park behind my apartment building, and if you don’t move your car every few days you risk being ticketed and towed. My car had faulty brakes, and I had no money, so I spent about a month being very panicky about my car. One morning I walked past and it was missing. I assumed it had been towed, but when I called the city had no record of it. I spent some time wondering who would be stupid and dickish enough to steal such a shitty car. And then, a few days later, I found a parking ticket in my apartment. Apparently the meter maid had marked it for towing, I had seen the ticket and moved the car in my sleep. I spent a few hours scouring the area and found it a few streets away.

In my experience Ambien can cause complete amnesia for the time period up to thirty minutes before I actually take the pill, but doesn’t usually. It also changes my personality in such a completely humiliating way that complete amnesia is preferable. I’m a curmudgeon, a misanthrope, an INTP, and Ambien turns me into bubbly happy warm swimmy theworldisgood and I love everyone-person.

Also, I’m not sure why everything is so delicious while on Ambien, but I’m pretty sure I’ve eaten my body weight in a 24-hour period more times than I can count. Either that or I’m flushing it down the toilet or feeding the neighborhood rats. I suppose any of those options is equally plausible.

One annoying thing is that I can never be sure how quickly it’s going to hit my system. It could take 5 minutes or 40. If I misjudge and stay up too long, that’s when the weird stuff happens. Also, it’s not all bad stuff. I’ve been known to clean extensively and wake up to find the dust all vacuumed out of my bathroom vents.

40. Jeff Goldblum

While I was on Ambien, My wife fucked Jeff Goldblum while I was still in bed with both of them. I caught them in the act and then Jeff disappeared. I spent the next little while crawling under the bed covers “looking for Jeff” My wife was laughing in hysterics because I was apparently very disappointed in her because I thought she could do so much better than Jeff Goldblum…

I did snap out of the whole zombie-like dream only to realize what was going on, and how fucking stupid I looked.

I never took it again.

41. Random Shampoo Bottle

I once woke up with a bottle of shampoo in bed with me. It was open and half the bed was covered. It was a water bed, so didn’t soak in, but had to drain bed to clean shampoo from under the mattress.

42. Jogging On Ambien

I woke up early still on it, cloudy minded. In my pj’s I ran 2 miles around my neighborhood, badly. My brother is a runner and wanted to join in so he ran the last mile with me. After words I went right to bed, woke up, and had no memory of it until i figured out why my clothes were so wet.

43. Don’t Ever Do This

I had a beer or two with it. It wasn’t the smartest thing to do, but I didn’t think much of it. I don’t remember anything, but apparently I drove a car..with my friends in it and they said everything seemed fine. Don’t remember a fucking thing about it.

Incredibly scary experience for me after I realized what the consequences could have been.

44. Freeedoooom!!!

Two of my roommates decided to take Ambien one night. I came home from the library and saw a sign on the window next to my front door that read “Rob me and you die.” It was written in crayon. I then had to force my way through the front door because two of my couches were stacked up against it. I walked into my hallway and noticed Irish music coming from my bathroom. When I opened my bathroom door, what I saw was amazing. The lights were off, two candles were lit, and my roommate was sitting on the toilet blasting Flogging Molly on his computer.

It wasn’t until I turned the lights on that I noticed he had used my blue hair gel to paint his face Braveheart style and had used one of his flannel shirts as a makeshift kilt. He also had a a plastic Charmin bag over him, which he said was his body armor. He then proceeded to tell me that he and my other roommate had seen a troll earlier so they began to prepare for the troll’s return visit. They stocked up on weapons i.e. spatulas and dressed up as Braveheart in hopes of protecting themselves.

My roommate said that as soon as they got ready my other roommate ran into his own bedroom, locked the door, grunted, and fell asleep. So now it was up to him to protect the apartment, which explained the couches and sign. I still don’t know why he decided to lock himself into the bathroom though.