8 Inappropriate Songs I Wish You’d Play At Your Wedding

As a 28 year old with a healthy circle of friends, I receive more Save The Date cards than introductory credit card offers (Thanks, but no thanks Capital One). This year, my girlfriend and I  were invited to eight weddings.

Weddings are fun, you get to celebrate love, drink hella Bud Lights and catch up with old friends. But if there is one recommendation I can make to all my soon to be married folk (amigos) is to switch up the music just a tiny bit.

Yes Ed Sheeran is lovely and John Legend’s ode to his wife is about as perfect a song as they come. But thing is, we’ll hear these songs at EVERY wedding. For the sake of your guests, please switch it up a bit. And by a bit, I mean drastically. So here’s a list of some choice alternatives for your big day. Yes, I know at first glance these songs may seem inappropriate. But bear with me and you’ll see how they make the most sense for your big day.

Mos Def (depending on when you’re reading this, Yasiin Bey) “Ms. Fat Booty”

“Ass so fat that you could see it from the front.”

Probably not what your grandma wants to hear as you walk down the aisle. Most songs about love are too commercial, corny and seem like a movie (looking at you Taylor Swift). But Mos spits a real story about meeting someone, falling in love and the subsequent “ghosting” by said love interest. Maybe not a good candidate for a first dance song. But it should be at-least considered for the cocktail hour. Most couple’s first dates, hell first few months are volatile. Only when we look backward at them and weave a narrative do they seem romantic or cute.

Kanye West ft. Jamie Foxx and Twista “Slow Jamz”

Why this song isn’t played more often at weddings, I’ll never know. It has all the ingredients of a hot jam.  

• A Kanye West beat. Check.
• A Kanye West verse. Check.
• An actor turned rapper (or vice-versa) AKA Jamie Foxx. Check
• Twista, who for a hot minute was the go-to guy for a guest spot? Check.
• Soulful melody and beat? Check.
• Singalong lyrics? Check.

This is perfect for a couples first dance. Yea, Twista get’s a bit vulgar. But he raps so fast (damn baby I can’t do it that fast, but I know somebody who can) your grandparents won’t be able to decipher who’s bending who over. And it’s called “Slow Jamz” for a reason, so it’s perfect for the slow dance portion of your evening.

Cam’ron “Hey Ma”

Matt Daniels and I have already proved (sorta) that “Hey Ma” is peak nostalgia. And since 100% of my friends getting married this year (I did the math) are in the same High School Cycle as I am, then I’m sure they’ll reminisce once that piano melody comes on. Also, it’s also a great wedding song because the bride and groom can alternate and sing the chorus together. It’s like Cam’ron knew it would be great for couples when he wrote it. So simple too.

Husband:Hey ma

Wife: (wassup)

H:Let’s slide

W: (all right)

H: All right – and we gon get it on tonight

UGK “International Player’s Anthem”

Bun B and Pimp C rap about pimping hoes and Big Boi raps about not getting girls pregnant. Hold on, before you x out of this page and go back to Buzzfeed, listen to Andre 3000’s opening verse. It’s a sweet ode to moving on in and life and embracing marriage.

So I typed a text to the girl I used to see.

Saying I chose this cutie pie with whom I want to be.

And I apologize if this message gets you down.

Then I CC’ed every girl that I’d see-seed around town.

And I hate to see y’all fown but I’d rather see smiling.”

The song, produced by DJ Paul and Juicy J of Three 6 Mafia, samples “I Choose You” by Willie Hutch. While the song isn’t as tender as a Ralph Wiggum Valentine’s Card, ultimately, we all want to get chose(n). So this wedding season, choose UGK.

Drake “Crew Love”

To be fair, any Drake album could be the soundtrack to your wedding. But you’re probably wondering why out of all his songs, I chose “Crew Love”. Let’s take a step back for a minute and give credit to your friends, your crew. I think they’re very underrated to in grand scheme of things. Think of all the times you blew off your friends, canceled on your friends to hang out with soon to be Mrs. Bae. And who did you call when you girl was commenting on her ex’s page? Your crew. So let’s place the limelight on said crew by dedicating this jam to them.

Clipse “Grindin”

I don’t care if it’s a song about dealing drugs. Pharrell crushes the beat and the concise storytelling and lyrics from the Virginia duo is timeless. Actually, “Grindin” is appropriate for any function; baptism, quinceanera, kid’s bday parties. “Grindin” is life. “Grindin” is love. “Grindin” is forever.

Jay Z “99 Problems”

You still got problems. But at least love ain’t one.

What do you think? Did I miss anything? Tweet at me and let me know what you’re going to play at your wedding or what you played, if you already tied the knot.

Congrats to all the happy couples getting married this year. Hopefully it’s Now & Forever.