10 Things I Wish Every Guy Who ‘Doesn’t Want A Relationship’ Understood

1. Just because you deny someone a title, doesn’t mean you can force them not to feel anything. There’s a reason “actions speak louder than words” is a cliche, it’s because our actions belie our intentions — even when we don’t want them to. The truth is that you if act like a boyfriend to someone, you can’t be surprised or upset when they develop boyfriend-girlfriend feelings for you, even if you use all the words in the world to tell them not to.

2. Not wanting to define a relationship doesn’t make you “chill” — not being afraid of having one does. There’s no shortage of guys who say they “don’t do drama” in one breathe and then lead a girl on into what absolutely inevitably becomes a dramatic situation with the next. Laid back relationships require communication — when you’re honest with someone with your words and actions there’s no extra work required to be on the same page: no guessing what a vague text message means, no waiting to text them back to seem less into it. You just get to live your life the way you want to and enjoy someone else’s company on your terms.

3. No, she’s probably not “in love” with you. Guys who “don’t do relationships” all have this standard issue fear that every girl in the world is simultaneously falling in love with them and trying to trick them into marriage because you like, made eye contact once. It’s gross. If you’re actually hanging out/hooking up with a girl and she is affectionate, realize that’s a totally normal way for a human to act and stop putting it on her to be either a robot or a crazy girl.

4. Some girls just like to hook up too, and believe it or not they are capable of being honest about their feelings. If she says she is good, believe her.

5. If you’re going to kick girls out of your bed, be upfront about it. If you hate cuddling and want people to get out of your bed ASAP, tell people this before you have sex with them. Yeah, you might get laid less but cuddling (yes, even when you don’t know/care about the person that much) is part of what makes sex good. We’re allowed to know it’s going to be bad sex before committing to the deed.

6. You seriously need to stop comparing your life to ‘That Awkward Moment.’ In case you didn’t notice all those guys decided they were happier in relationships at the end of that movie.

7. Men benefit from relationships more than women. When men get into relationships they gain something they don’t already have: emotional support. Women already get that every day from their female friends. What women gain from relationships is regular sex, which is pretty easy for us to find on our own.

8. You’re not ‘brooding’ and special, you’re probably just lazy. I can’t tell you how many guys I’ve met in my 20’s who each thought they were tortured and emotionally damaged in their own special snowflake way. The truth is that everyone’s life is hard. That’s just how it is. Adults figure out how to get up and deal with their emotional issues instead of making it into some kind of makeshift personality that stunts their growth forever.

9. You don’t get an award for being the one who cares less. Cool, you’re the one that cares less. I’m glad that you feel so desirable and in demand. If you really need a parade thrown in your honor though, consider whether you really need her less than she needs you.

10. It’s totally FINE to not want a relationship. Focus on building a career, improving your health, traveling — whatever — DO YOU. Not every girl wants a relationship either. The truth is no one really cares that you’re taking time to do what you need to do. But when it starts to affect other people because by “I don’t want a relationship” you really mean “I want a relationship but without doing any work of any kind” — that’s fucked up. You’re lying to yourself and mistreating people. Do better.