16 Things From The 90s That (Definitely) Screwed Us Up

1. Furbies

So I owned a Furbish dictionary…mostly because my Furbies would come alive at night in my closet and talk to each other in their native tongue. WHAT WERE THEY SAYING TO EACH OTHER?! Obviously, they were talking about me, right? Either that or their plot to take over the world. Paranoia: it starts young.

2. Tamagotchis

Let’s be real…they had like three buttons. They didn’t stand a chance at staying alive past the end of the week. And yet, you couldn’t help but feeling like the scum of the earth when they inevitably died.

3. “Bananas in Pyjamas”

Because if bananas could talk, they definitely would be Australian. Life-size, pajama-wearing twin fruits who ran down the stairs, chased teddy bears…and, well, that’s pretty much it. Television at its finest.

I’m also totally secure in admitting that “Bananas in Pyjamas” bed sheets were at the top of my 1995 Christmas list.

4. Mary-Kate and Ashley Movies

Imagine my surprise when I studied abroad and there were no mega attractive, English speaking men with mopeds just waiting to tour foreign lands with me. I still don’t get it.

5. Commercials…all of them.

If you ate Gushers, you turned into produce (we’ll just pretend like they had some nutritional value to them). Mrs. Butterworth syrup bottles could talk. And the Snuggle bear was (okay, he still is) straight out of a “Goosebumps” book (see #12). 90s ad execs were openly struggling here.

6. “CatDog”

I don’t think that anything in our young lives could possibly prepare us for the existential questions evoked from “CatDog.” How could a CatDog even happen? Why didn’t they ever separate? What is the meaning of life?

Good thing “Doug” was usually on afterwards to give us some real perspective on things.

7. Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles

Teenagers I get. Mutants, a little improbable, but okay. Ninjas are cool. Turtles are fun. Throw them all together, add in the most regal Italian names you could think of, and suddenly… I’m lost. Donatello is far too classy a name for anything that lives in a sewer.

Meanwhile, I’m still afraid to walk over manholes when I’m in the city.

8. Ring Pops

Accessories should never be edible. They just shouldn’t.

9. “Legends of the Hidden Temple”

I’m sorry, but how could you not be freaked out by the Temple Guards? This show was also just a little too deep for me: the Pendent of Life, the Steps of Knowledge. And don’t even get me started on that whole Olmec thing…

10. Dream Phone

Who doesn’t love a game where the entire purpose was to find out which fictitious hot guy was crushing on you? Did I mention that there was a giant, hot pink cell phone involved?

Basically, you dialed a phone number (probably a landline) which in turn would help you track down exactly where your crush was. His friends would provide you with nuggets of stalker clues on what your guy was wearing, what music he liked, and what he was probably doing at that exact second.

And now we have Facebook.

11. “Zenon Girl of the 21st Century”

Call me crazy, but I’m blaming any trend involving spandex and/or neon on Zenon. Zetus lapetus, don’t take fashion advice from a girl with a side-pony. Ever.

12. “Goosebumps” books

The three things I learned from “Goosebumps”: (1) Stay out of the basement, (2) Any and all dolls are scary, (3) Stay out of the basement.

13. Boy Bands

Okay, so I can’t really put my finger on what it is. But I’m sure the excessive exposure we had to teenage guys harmonizing while dancing around in humungous pants and bleached highlights scarred us in some major therapy-requiring capacity.

14. “Sabrina the Teenage Witch”

To this day, I have a recurring dream where I point my index finger and sparkles and magic come out. I promise you, there’s nothing more disappointing than waking up in the morning and realizing that you don’t have magical powers, your cat doesn’t talk, and your closet won’t take you to the Other Realm. #realityproblems

15. Best Friend Necklaces

Early on, we made it absolutely necessary to label, define, and distinguish all relationships in our lives. Solid life lessons, kids.

16. “Boy Meets World”

I’ve spend the last two decades looking for the Cory Matthews to my Topanga. So there’s that.