‘Twas The 3rd Of October: A Mean Girls Poem

‘Twas the 3rd of October,
And all through the ‘net
Basics everywhere were ready,
Their game plans all set.

They had bought their Toaster Strudel,
Planned their outfits all in pink —
Though it really would have been so much better
If this holiday was on Wednesday, don’t you think?

For October 3rd was upon them.
Such glory, such glee!
The day Aaron Samuels had asked
If Cady Heron — you know, Lindsay —

Knew what day it was.
And Cady, sweet Cady, poor suffering lass,
Had answered his query
In that fateful math class.

It’s a minor scene, to be sure,
Lasting the blink of an eye,
But that doesn’t stop girls the world over
From announcing with an impassioned cry:

“It’s Mean Girls Day!
It’s here, it’s come at last!
Let’s throw a party, girls!
It’ll be a blast!”

So they grab their lattes —
All infused with pumpkin spice —
And curl up in their leggings,
(Chipotle for dinner would be nice).

They turn on their Netflix,
And flip their hair into a messy bun.
They might even indulge in a face mask —
This is girls’ night in, son!

Because though this movie is 10 years old,
They know every word, every line,
And swear that “Cady so gets me,”
which might or might not be a good sign.

For Mean Girls, that singular hit,
Is all about revenge and how high school is a living hell.
Do you really want to be like any of those characters?
The message is clear, if you can’t tell.

But apparently kids these days don’t quite understand,
They say “you’re not cool if you don’t like this flick,”
Which was completely against Ms. Tina Fey’s message,
So can we talk real, from chick to chick?

Mean Girls is glorious.
It is, really and truly.
But let it stand as its own.
It is, after all, just a movie.

Gorge on your cheese fries,
Your bars of Kalteen.
Dress up in lingerie
To celebrate Halloween.

But just ask Glen Coco,
After three comes four.
And come midnight tonight,
October 3rd will be no more.

Have a happy Mean Girls Day.
Make sure you say so now to all your favorite #brands,
Because they will be in on this,
Trying desperately to be #relevant to fans.

But warn them, dear people,
The greatest people I will ever meet,
That with great memes comes great responsibility
And a Mean Girls Day message would not be complete

Without saying this,
(And I promise I’ll say no more):
Stop trying to make fetch happen;
And stop saying “Boo, you whore.”