37 Things Only Runners Know

1. Your laundry has more sports bras than regular bras or more spandex than cotton.

2. You’ve woken up at 5:00 A.M. to beat the heat and humidity in the summertime.

3. On a Saturday.

4. Your allegiance to one shoe is stronger than Cinderella’s to her glass slipper.

5. When you find a pair of jeans that accommodates your waist-to-butt-to-thigh ratio, it is a sign that God loves you and wants you to be happy.

6. Some parts of the world consider beer to be an appropriate swap for Gatorade. You’ve looked into how one might move to these countries.

7. Somewhere in your house is a stash of packets of gel that come in a range of inventive flavors.

8. Someone in your family or circle of friends has mistaken these packets for… well, another kind of gooey substance.

9. And an improperly stored packet in your waistband during a long run will give you deep, deep scars that never fade.

10. The treadmill is to you what that chocolate cake was to the boy in Matilda: you may dislike every single second you’re strapped to that contraption, but damn it if you’re not going to do it anyway.

11. You have Very Strong Opinions on any brand that caters to runners.

12. What do you mean people go to Disney World and don’t run a marathon?

13. A manicurist has raised her eyebrows at the state of your feet.

14. … but you’ve told her to leave the calluses there. You need those.

15. You know how to tape and run on a blister.

16. You find small, disturbing glee in firing off a snot rocket.

17. Getting the little nod of approval from a runner heading in the opposite direction is enough to make you feel as if you’re floating.

18. You really don’t mind bikers on the whole, but every once in a while there’s that one asshole just cruising along…

19. They were wrong: money CAN buy happiness. You can buy carbs.

20. There is a reason why brunch has the word “run” in it. (Hint: it’s because running beforehand makes brunch taste even better.)

21. There will always be that one song you rely on to pump you up like no other.

22. In the world of American Apparel-curated Halloween costumes, you’ve deeply considered grabbing a gray hoodie and just calling yourself Rocky.

23. You may not spend money on gym membership, yet the amount of races you sign up for leave you weeping for what once remained of your paycheck.

24. You stash a water bottle in your freezer to roll out knotted muscles.

25. There is a lacrosse ball in your apartment for this same reason, despite the fact that you’ve never played a day in your life.

26. Few things are as necessary an evil as an ice bath.

27. There is a difference between tired legs and a tired mind, and you know how to overcome and when to give in to each.

28. The only way that a bad day could go worse is if you can’t go for a run to let off your stress.

29. You laugh in the face of such a thing as “too much neon.” There is never such a thing as too much neon.

30. If you live in a country that depends on miles instead of kilometers, you’re slowly converting to #teammetric.

31. The word “fartlek” makes you giggle — it will never stop making you giggle — but at least you know what it means.

32. You know the location of every public bathroom in your neighborhood.

33. You also know the location of most Starbucks stores, in a pinch.

34. You’ve researched running routes before heading on vacation or a business trip.

35. When someone tells you that running a marathon is crazy, you’re just kind of like, well, yeah, that’s the point.

36. You know the streets when they’re quiet and calm, when the day is either just beginning or just ending, and you have a piece of the world to yourself. It’s nothing else but the road and your legs and your mind, and no one can take that away from you.

37. But it is never, ever “jogging.”