9 Sports I’d Succeed At If They Existed

5. Drunk texting my mom.

Updated 11 years ago, March 18, 2014

I’ve never been one for athletics, something that has turned into a joke amongst my family and friends. But is it really my fault? Or is it the fault of all those who created the most popular sports without my interests in mind? Here are nine sports that, if in existence, would bring my name to the front pages of all sports sections.

1. Sending my best friend consecutive frantic texts.

Oh my God.
I can’t
Seriously?
No.
Not okay.
When?
I literally can’t.
STOP! NO!

2. Being sarcastic in the worst ways.

You know, like when a boy thinks I’m cute? And I’m too awkward to respond properly? So I whip out some good old fashioned sarcasm that my rebellious aunt instilled in me between sips of Coors Light. Sarcasm that makes me look cynical and self deprecating. Yeah, that’s how I reel in the fellas.

3. Drunk texting that boy that finally asked for your number.

I mean, it’s not like I’ve been staring at the back of his head all semester in English. It’s not like I dress up for this class (while I wear my homeless person Halloween costume to every other class) just to impress him. It’s not like I almost died a little when he finally asked me for my number. No, no. I’m SO happy I just drunk texted him. He definitely needed to know that I tink hose SO cuuuUte. I didn’t just ruin everything.

4. Spilling food all over myself in public situations.

I liked this shirt a lot but I like it better with this buffalo sauce on it. So does that cute boy on the other side of the caf. Hey handsome, I see you looking.

5. Drunk texting my mom.

She definitely doesn’t know what’s in that red solo cup that was featured prominently in the selfie I just sent her (from the bathroom floor). It’s like, totally juice. Obviously. And she thinks it’s so damn sweet that I luv her like CraaAzzy! I’m glad we have such an honest relationship (this one has zero sarcasm involved, my mother is actually painfully oblivious).

6. Being a lightweight.

I know it only took me four beers to feel tipsy, but it isn’t my fault. I feel like there was a lot of alcohol in those beers. More than usual. Okay, stay calm. You aren’t that buzzed. You just think you are. Even if you are, it isn’t your fault. You didn’t eat a lot today.

7. Pretending I know what’s going on during real sports games.

That was a touchdown — I mean goal. I saw it go in the net. Wait — it didn’t go in the net? Are you sure? I saw it, I swear. Oh he stopped it with his glove? Why does he have so many pads on his legs? Are his legs that sensitive? What’s a power play?

8. Drinking iced coffee regardless of the weather.

Iced coffee is just better than hot coffee. Why? Oh, ummm I don’t know. I’m just a white girl and I know it’s snowing out, but like, I have gloves. And I paid 60 cents extra for them to put my plastic cup into a styrofoam cup so it’s not like my hands are actually like, holding a cup of ice. You know?

9. Picking the perfect Instagram filter.

Truly my intention isn’t to brag, but I’m way beyond the usual Instagram filters. I’ve actually downloaded several really cool apps that filter my photo in a like-totally natural way. It gives off the effect that my photos are Nikon material when they’re really just iPhone 5s quality.