10 Serious Things I’d Like To Say To The People Of The Internet

1. YOUR GIRLFRIEND?! Get out! NO! Stop. I can’t. I literally can’t. I can’t believe that your girlfriend is your woman crush Wednesday again. I wasn’t expecting that. I also wasn’t expecting it to be an incredibly unflattering picture of her because you’re trying to be funny. You threw me for a curveball on that one. I’m not going to expect it next week either.

2. I LIVE TO PLEASE YOU, people in the comment section of online articles. I live to obey your laws, your beliefs, and your viewpoints on the entire world as a whole. And I read each comment carefully, and I sit up late at night contemplating how I can continue to please you. Your opinions matter so much. Too much, actually, or else you’d be published yourself on all these opinion websites. You’re too good for them. Too damn good.

3. YOUR GRANDFATHER IS DEFINITELY CHECKING INSTAGRAM IN HEAVEN and he is just so happy that you posted a blurry picture of him with a paragraph-long dedication (that uses the second person — I’m glad you chose to speak directly to him). I know, I know, you aren’t looking for pity. You aren’t looking for a surplus of likes to boost your self-esteem. You just want absolutely everyone (or at least the intelligent people who have yet to unfollow you) to know personal issues of you private life, and in order to do this you HAVE to write a letter to your deceased grandparent.

4. YOU AREN’T CONFUSING US AT ALL when you tweet your insecurities for the world (or the students of your high school) to see and then Instagram a selfie once a week. And we also aren’t thrown by your awkward poses and unrelated captions of indie song lyrics you think are cool to like. It’s okay. Keep doing your thing. We’ll figure it out eventually.

5. JUSTIN BIEBER CARES SO MUCH about that comment you left on his Instagram picture. So much, actually, that he’s drafting his response as we speak. He just wants to make sure it’s perfect before he finally replies. That’s why it’s taking him so long, but eventually it’ll happen…promise. Rome wasn’t built in a day. Justin’s heartfelt response to your comment (plagued with fabulous grammar and totally legitimate arguments about the future of his music) cannot be written in mere seconds. Greatness takes time.

6. I LOVE READING YOUR FACEBOOK STATUSES! You want to pretend like airplanes in the night sky are like shooting stars? That’s deep, even for you my I-don’t-know-who-you-are-but-you-look-like-you’ve-already-failed-at-life-even-though-you’re-only-18 Facebook friend! Keep posting those selfies to a social media site that is way past its peak. Keep telling me how your shift at Stop & Shop was today. Keep complaining about how much you hate the Republican Party (Facebook is the best outlet for this — venting to people in real life when they can’t scroll past your opinions is not nearly as good as complaints on social media).

7. I LIVE UNDER A ROCK SO THANK YOU FOR SHOWING ME WHAT A STARBUCKS CUP LOOKS LIKE! This one is a killer. You did me a huge justice here. I am in a perpetual tragedy of a life in which I do not know what kind of cup one of the most popular chains in the United States of America serves their coffee in. Wait a sec…is there a lid on it?! Is there — dare I say it –whipped cream on top? This is too much for me to handle. I’m going to switch back to twitter real fast while I catch my breath.

8. YOU’RE RIGHT TO COMPLAIN ABOUT HOW ALL BOYS ARE ASSHOLES on the lovely twitter machine. You were clearly successful in your public displays of emotion, because that sucker got 10 retweets. Bravo. Also, while I’m here, I just want to express my deepest condolences for the failure of your last relationship. I know, I know. Everyone said you cheated. I mean, there are texts and pictures to prove it. But I’m on your side! All boys are assholes! One second, let me retweet that too.

9. IS THAT SERIOUSLY THE TEN WAYS TO SURVIVE COLLEGE? You know, I’ve been in college for a year and I didn’t know any of that. I mean, I did, but I knew it before college. It’s kind of weirdm actually, because I have this thing called “common sense” so I could’ve guessed half the things in that Buzzfeed article before I wasted my time reading it. But please keep sharing it on Facebook. Go ahead. I’ll wait.

10. SHOOT, WAS THAT ACTUALLY A SONG LYRIC that you tweeted and then tossed the lyric/headphone emoji after? I was under the distinct impression that you wrote that. Your previous tweets, full of grammatical errors and intellectual arguments about Miley’s right to do her “thaaang,” gave me the impression that you were quite the poet. Which makes me absolutely shocked that the line you just tweeted is a song lyric and not a line written by you! I’m so SO happy that you added that emoji after. I would’ve been lost without it.