Thank You For Loving Me, And For Letting Me Go

Let me start saying thank you. I want you to know that everything you did, tried to do, were highly appreciated. I appreciate every single one of them – from bringing me an early breakfast to coming late at night from a long drive just to see me, hug me. I appreciate all of it. I appreciate you loving me, I appreciate you buying me that burger when I told you about my disappointment with the burger I had earlier that day, I appreciate you trying to fix me. But you see, no one can fix me but myself, yet you kept on trying. You were trying so hard that you needed fixing too.

You needed me more than a girl needed her teddy bear, it became unhealthy anymore. You wanted me to stop you, but you will reason with every wrong things I’m pointing at. Until it all became non-sense. Until we became non-sense. I didn’t see the point of us anymore, and right there and then I knew we need to stop, go on our own, grow separately; we need to end.

I am sorry. I’m sorry if I can’t give you the attention, the care, the love you are craving for. I tried, I swear I tried, but there’s just something in me that can’t make me stay with you any much longer, for I know that if I did, it will ruin you. I’m sorry if I unintentionally gave you false hopes, if I gave you the idea that we are different, that what we had was different. Trust me, I thought so too. I thought you were my prince in my unending fairytale, but I was wrong.

I saw what’s wrong when distance filled in between us, we are different.

You see the world differently as I see it; you prioritize things, literally things – I prioritize my family, my studies, and my family. It made me sad, it tore me inside, because for once I thought I found my person, but the truth is, I only saw what I wanted to see when I was with you, I ignore every sign, every red flag indicating that we cannot be together.

I loved you. I did. And that’s what saddens me most. For I thought I can love you enough not to mind our differences. But I can’t. You are a wonderful person. Please don’t let me take that away from you. You are brave, brave enough to love me despite all these scars I have in me, brave enough to fall in love after all the heartbreaks you’ve been through. But I can’t be brave like you, I’m still afraid to fall again, I fear for falling for the wrong person again, it’s my mind that plays tricks on me. I loved you, but it wasn’t strong enough to fight for it. I loved you just enough to be committed. I never planned on hurting you, or even using you. It was all real.

I loved being your friend, your shoulder to lean on. I love it when you tell me all about your problems, or about the things that make you happy. I love it when you’re crying in front of me, telling me you’re scared I may not be able to accept your flaws. You were right… but it was only because I don’t want to change you. I want you change for yourself, not for anybody else. I want you to be a better person for yourself. But see, you don’t find problems with your actions, with the way you’re living your life, but I do. And it was wrong, because at the end of the day, I was left with all the wrong things you’ve done – well at least they were wrong in my eyes.

I cannot help you if you don’t see what the problem is. And I cannot help you while I am still fixing myself. I didn’t want us to end like this. I wanted to give it a try. But I can’t stay with you anymore. Because all the good, great things you’ve done were buried six feet under all the things you did wrong in my eyes. I tried to tell you these things, I tried to warn you, but you were so complacent, confident enough that I will one day just learn to accept you as you are. I wish I could, I wish I ccould love you blindly not to look at your rough edges, but I can’t.

I’m sorry. I’m sorry for making you feel you’re some loser who didn’t win the girl. But look at it in a way that I am not the right girl. I know somewhere out there, someone will love you, hug you tight that all your broken pieces will heal, someone that will accept all your flaws. Someone who will do all the things that I didn’t do for you. I’m sorry if I wasted your time.

I want to thank you… for loving me while I can’t seem to find a reason to love myself. I want to thank you for showing me what I missed in life. Lastly, I want to thank you… for letting me go.