I’m Sorry I Couldn’t Love You With All My Heart

“I’m sorry” doesn’t even begin to portray the amount of guilt my heart is dominated with. It feels like a gallon of water is tied to my heart, which I want to unleash onto you, in hopes that it will somehow soothe the fire in your soul, which started because of me.

My skin is made up of metal, which disables my heart from getting out of my body, which doesn’t let me love anyone, let alone you. Your mind always wandered freely in the galaxies, whereas, mine remained stuck on Earth.

The truth set you free, but I’m still here, trapped by the chains of what I don’t have the courage to face. This is not the justification of my terrible actions, as the wounds I inflicted upon you, cannot ever be justified — this is just a sincere apology.

Words are the only thing I have, through which I hope to repent for my mistakes. But at this moment, even they are failing me. I cannot forget the subtle crack in your voice, as you confessed your insecurities in front of me. That subtle crack has been imprinted in my mind forever.

I chose to ignore the hesitance in my mind when I said “yes” to you, completely oblivious to what it would do to you in the long run. I couldn’t love myself, and I thought that perhaps, your love could somehow make me accept myself for who I am. But as time passed by, I realized that it was impossible. My desperation to feel something real led me to hurt you and also plenty of others around me.

I’m sorry I had to leave. I couldn’t lie to you or myself anymore. God knows, I tried to love you, but how could I, when I couldn’t even love myself? You deserve somebody who loves you as intensely as you love her, and I deserve somebody whom I can intensely love. 

I hope someday you forgive me, and in the mean time, I will try to forgive myself. As Bryant H. McGill said – “There is no love without forgiveness, and there is no forgiveness without love.”