This Is What I Had To Learn When You Weren’t There

It was hard and you weren’t there.

You weren’t there when things started to become rougher than they already had been. You weren’t there when I felt like the world was crashing on me. You weren’t there when there wasn’t a single thing I understood. You weren’t there when I had no one to hold on to. You weren’t there when sleeping at night was burdensome, when waking up was a battle on its own.

You weren’t there when all I needed was you telling me that I can make it through, you comforting me with His promises, you assuring me that I will overcome and that you will be with me every step of the way, you lending me your shoulder and letting me cry on it for God knows how long. You weren’t there when all I needed was to hear your voice. You weren’t there when all I needed was your presence.

You weren’t there when all I needed was you. You weren’t there when all I ever wanted was you.

You weren’t there.

And I can’t blame you, so I’m sorry if I feel like this. If I feel like you’re one of the best people in my life, if I feel like you’re obligated to be there for me. I’m sorry if I expected too much from you.

You weren’t there.

It was the toughest thing ever, but it was totally okay. Because in your absence, I learned that I am so much stronger than what I give myself credit for. I am so much braver than my overflowing fears. I am so much more capable than my weaknesses. In your absence, I knew, I had to take on this challenge alone. I had to mourn alone. I had to grieve alone. I had to suffer alone. In your absence, I realized that I cannot really expect even the closest people to be there when I needed them most. I realized that people can veritably come and go, that friendships can die, friendships can hurt, friendships can be away, and not beside you when you so solely need it to.

You weren’t there.

And it verified one thing; at the darkest moment of our lives, even our shadows leave us. And if they do, it applies more so for people. That you may not be there when I am waging the most arduous war of my ife and so with that you taught me to stand firm on my own. You directed me to be my own refuge, to be my own hero, to be my own comfort.

You taught me to never put my whole trust in you and to never expect so much from you, from people in general. Because people will disappoint. You will disappoint. Because it’ll hurt. It hurts now.

You weren’t there.

And that taught me that I can do it, I can overcome, not with you, but with myself.