10 Signs Your Cat Owns You (And Not The Other Way Around)

If asked why cats make good pets, most people will cite their independence as a selling point. Cats are considerably less work than dogs, being as they don’t need to be let outside multiple times a day, and are pretty self-sufficient. Cats, like people, are full of emotional highs and lows. Sometimes they want to snuggle; sometimes they want you to get the hell away from them. That’s cool, us humans are like that too. 

However, there’s one thing people never tell you about adopting a cat, and that’s the simple fact that your household will soon be run by a small furry beast. That cat will wear the pants. You might as well build him a throne made out of scratching-post material, because this kitty will ultimately be your reigning leader.

Here are ten signs that you have become one of your cat’s minions:

1. Your cat dictates meal times.

It doesn’t matter if you want to sleep until 8am on Saturday; if your cat wants breakfast at 4am, you will be getting up. There’s no point in resisting because your cat will literally not stop until he or she is fed. Even if you shut your bedroom door, you won’t get back to sleep with the incessant meowing and pawing. Surrender to this early – it’s a battle you won’t win.

2. Your cat has more toys than you did as a child.

The toy aisle of the pet store has some kind of magnetic pull on you. Even if kitteh already has three feather wands, he obviously needs another one. And you can never really have too many catnip mice. Better get a few, just to be sure.

3. If you accidentally buy the wrong food, you are going back to the store to remedy your error.

Your cat only likes the wet food with extra gravy, and you bought the classic paté by mistake. You can feel the feline wrath growing, and you know your cat will refuse to eat something so pedestrian as a gravy-less lump. With a sigh, you pull your coat on and trek back to the grocery store, head bowed in defeat.

4. Your favorite blanket happens to be kitteh’s favorite blanket…so you sacrifice it.

No one can blame you on this one — your cat just looks so adorable all curled up in that fluffy red blanket, and he gets extra snuggly when he’s near it. You’ll just have to find another blanket to like.

5. You celebrate your cat’s birthday.

Not only do you know the date of your cat’s birth, you go all out. You make sure you have extra cat treats on hand, and you even go so far as to bake a feline-friendly cake. You purchase the most extravagant remote control mouse or automatic laser pointer that you can find. Only the best for kitteh.

6. Play time and petting time are all on your cat’s schedule. 

If you think that you are in charge of these events, you are so wrong. Your cat decides when it’s time to play. He makes it known by crouching down, wiggling his butt, and “pretending” to hunt you. (He actually would love to hunt you.) You happily comply, iPhone ready to capture any Instagram-worthy moments. Play time ends when your cat gets bored or tired, and only then. When it comes to petting, this is all on your cat’s terms. A moment too long, and your hand will become his first course meal (to wet his appetite for his extra gravy dinner.)

7. You seriously consider rewiring your house for cat cams.

The curiosity of what your cat does all day while you’re at work is almost too much to bear. You’d pay some hard cash to get a video of your cat’s every move while he’s home alone without you. A small part of you wonders if your cat is secretly building a bomb or plotting your murder.

8. You find cat hair in literally everything.

Your food, your clothes, your furniture, your toiletries – nothing is safe. Occasionally, you even get cat hair tangled in your eyelashes, and if you wear mascara, this is super traumatic. Your cat is always with you (he does this on purpose.)

9. There’s an extra chair at your dinner table for your cat. 

Without that chair, your cat will either sit at your feet and meow through your meal, or, if he’s ballsy, he’ll jump right up onto your dining table. Your cat is always interested in what you are eating for dinner. Even if he doesn’t actually want to eat it, he definitely wants to sniff it, and he will do so with or without your permission.

10. You aren’t sure how your future children will get along with your cat…but that’s their problem. 

In all fairness, kitteh was here first. You hope that your cat will be protective of your offspring and love them as one of his own…but there’s no guarantee. For right now, your cat is essentially your child. At least, that’s what you tell yourself to avoid the fact that all authority is in your cat’s paws.