I Am Quitting Drinking In January, Except For Wine And Hard Liquor

I am tired of waking up on my futon, back aching, with only the mangled orange slice in my Blue Moon bottle to remember the night by. I am tired of feeling bloated and groggy in the morning when I de-ice the windshield of my Toyota Corolla. I am just so tired of being tired.

So, this month, I’m quitting drinking entirely, except for wine and hard liquor.

It is important to know your limits. If you don’t know your limits, other people will tell them to you. Being told you “smell like a brewery” isn’t necessarily the worst thing. But it isn’t the ideal way to start out a job interview. After my failed interview yesterday, I decided that my bleary-eyed mistakes of the past were going to become my dignified walks down the path of righteousness.

Those walks start with putting down the Miller High Life and holding aloft the Grand Marnier.

Who, I ask, is the more interesting person to talk to at a party— a man slouched in his chair, drinking a Heineken? Or a man leaned against the fireplace mantle, drinking mysterious brown liquid from a glass, regarding the flame? It is no contest. You are going to converse with the man who has fire in both his eyes and his belly.

I can hear my detractors now. “But Davidson, what is it to give up drinking if you only cut out beer?”

Well, to that, I say, what is climbing down a mountain without taking the first step?

Sorry if that was not the strongest metaphor. I will admit, I am starting to get a little drunk. I started on the mimosas a bit early this morning. Nothing like a little champagne and Tropicana  to celebrate waking up to a new, soberer you.

Anyway, today is going to be my year. I can feel it! This is the year I start wearing blazers over hoodies. This is the year that I finally meet my girlfriend of six years that lives in Thailand. This is the year that I start FILING my taxes. This is the year I stop drinking beer and start my life anew.

Now, waiter, can I please have a Bloody Mary?