Dave Schilling

You’re 25. I’m 27. Do the math, Lena. That’s two extra years of experience that I have on you. I can spend hours talking about those two years and what they meant to me.

Long ago, I made a conscious decision to never allow my sex life to get dull, so I compiled a list of five simple ways to keep my head above water on the first date.

I assembled a team of high school dropouts to tell me what would shake them out of their literary apathy and convince them to buy an actual book with words in it. Almost every person responded with ‘a sweet car chase.’ The results of this very scientific poll led me to believe that there will be a taut, tense car chase in the middle of the book.

Allow me to state, for the record, that of the 247 separate occasions when we fornicated, 87 of those occasions included a discreet, concerted effort by you to give me pleasure. Of those 87 recorded attempts, you were successful a grand total of zero times.

For me, I know that fun time is over when I throw up. Vomiting is one of the most heinous act you can commit in front of or near someone else. It’s not as egregious as defecation or urination, but more immediate than a mere belch.

The problem arises when a show is marketed as universal, and the protagonist actually utters the phrase “voice of a generation,” even if it is meant to be comical and absurd.

This has to change, ladies. I need my innocence back. I demand it. At the very least pretend that you care, for my sake. If you really can’t bring yourself to straighten up the place, let me do it.

The converse of that is that maybe I don’t know anyone with the courage to not demand fealty from an
autonomous, sentient lifeform. Relationships give us meaning, purpose and motivation. Monogamy
offers so much safety when nothing around you feels safe.

Both of us don’t have to live in LA, right? We are bound to run into each other and create an awkward moment of some sort. I might see you on a date with a new gentleman caller, which will just cause me to dunk my head in a public toilet and repeatedly flush until the image of you snogging some wet blanket is washed out of my eyeballs.

If a girl doesn’t have time to date you because she’s fighting for her survival in an elaborate reality TV show in the distant future, then a guy just needs to understand. Modern women are ambitious. They have their own lives and their own desires. Katniss sets the expectations in her love triangle.

I’ve had holes in my jeans before, but I’ve never had a two-inch gash where my crotch goes. I’m splitting my pants right down the middle, like a vivisected turkey on Thanksgiving. I’m losing my tenuous grip on physical attractiveness. I see my hair thinning, my posture worsening and my bank account dwindling.

The catch is that we would never meet in the real world. We would continue our courtship through Skype, Gchat, Facetime, AIM, etc. Theoretically, a lack of physical contact would prevent the attachment that leads to disappointment. I wanted to be in love, but not be hurt. I thought this would be a path to sharing myself with another human being without being abandoned, ignored, lied to, manipulated or coerced.