5 Reasons It’s Awesome That Adam Levine is People Magazine’s Sexiest Man Alive

As if there isn’t enough shit in the world to be self-righteous about, People magazine gave misanthropes yet another thing to grumble about on Twitter today. Adam Levine, he of the Maroon 5 and The Voice and the really good hair, has been named 2013’s Sexiest Man Alive by the favorite publication of the bored housewife/dentist office waiting room receptionist.

Someone with the Twitter handle @taradublinrocks said of Levine, “Adam Levine is like if an expired bottle of Axe Body Spray was a person.” Jezebel said, “Adam Levine is a twerp who has no business being the Sexiest Man Alive.” New York Magazine’s website has an article called, “Adam Levine, ‘Sexiest Man Alive’? A Discussion. When someone uses the word, “discussion,” I immediately think of two particle physicists conversing about string theory, not the finer points of a pop star’s tribal tattoos.

Salon even hilariously fashioned their own list of “sexy” men, which included Sir Patrick Stewart, comedian Kumail Nanjiani, and Banksy (who, last time I checked, was as yet unidentified). They said of Banksy, “We wouldn’t know you if we passed you on the street, Banksy, but you’re a good time. And that is very, very sexy.” For Salon’s sake, I hope no one finds out Banksy is an underage girl, otherwise things could get a bit awkward.

I almost understand the outrage over People’s decision to honor Adam Levine. He represents everything well-meaning, college-educated liberal bloggers (like myself) despise. He’s a huge bro who revels in his good looks, and makes terrible music. Still, I am not going to quibble with the choice, for a variety of SEO-friendly reasons that I will now reveal to you below.

He’s Self-Aware

Jezebel’s article pulls all kinds of douchey quotes from him, like this one from an interview he did with Cosmo: “If I were too smart, I would realize all the ills of the world.”

Sounds terrible, right? This schmuck just admitted he’s stupid and has no concept of the injustice around him. At least he knows he’s stupid, unlike Alec Baldwin, who persists in trying to force people to imagine him as a thoughtful, reasoned intellectual. Baldwin pontificates about how to solve the world’s problems, then contributes to them by using homophobic slurs and beating up photographers. I’ll take dumb, milquetoast, totally harmless Adam Levine. Being self-aware is far superior to thinking you’re infallible.

He’s Handsome

You may not be into him because he didn’t go to Sarah Lawrence for undergrad and Maroon 5 songs are the leading cause of ozone depletion, but the guy looks good. He has all the physical features that people generally find desirable in a man. He has the aforementioned great head of hair, he is in good shape, has a prominent chin, and possesses straight, white teeth. I’ll never be the “Sexiest Man Alive” no matter how many times I read Jane Eyre, because I eat way too much pizza, spend most of my nights in bed, and my hair is receding like the polar ice caps (which is a result of global warming caused by Maroon 5 songs).

Most of People Magazine’s Readers Probably Think Adam Levine is “Cool”

People claims on their own website that the median age of their reader is 38 years old. If you’re pushing 40, you probably also enjoy watching reality TV, buying CDs (still), and are still not sure how Instagram works. You also like Maroon 5.

Who Cares?

His publicist and NBC likely worked very hard to get him the cover. I doubt it’s a coincidence that this was announced so close to the finale of The Voice. It’s PR scheme, nothing more. They gave him a fake title and the cover of a magazine that only gets read if there’s literally nothing else to do but read it. In the case of People, “read it” means “thumb through it half-heartedly, look at the pictures, then hope the your dentist’s receptionist calls you soon.”

No Seriously, Who Cares?

Wake me up when someone finally gives Danny Trejo the “Ugliest Man Alive” award that he so richly deserves.